Why HIMYM Should Not End With The Mother's Death
On Why "How I Met Your Mother" Should Not End With The Mother’s Death
Like most fans of HIMYM, I’m pretty emotional about the upcoming series finale. Obviously, a show I began watching in my 20s about people in their 20s trying to figure out their lives is going to have a pretty strong hold. In 2005, when HIMYM debuted, I was 25 going on 26, I had just finished graduate school and I was anxious to see how the next phase of my life – career, relationship, family – would play itself out. I was a Ted Moseby who wanted to be a Lily, only I didn’t have the same assurance of an older-me narrator to guarantee that it was all going to work out. Nine years later, I’m married, and I have an adorable nine-month-old and a mortgage. I will miss this show and these characters because I feel like they’ve been there with me on the journey.
As a long-time fan, I also have to express my great distress over the pesky Internet rumor that HIMYM will end with us learning that the mother has died and Ted is about to marry Robin.
I am a devoted Robney shipper, but that actually has nothing to do with why I’m so opposed to this ending. I don’t like this ending because it doesn’t fit with all that HIMYM is about and has been about for the past nine seasons.
The thing about searching for “the one” is that you have no idea what you’re looking for until you find it. Until you’ve found “it,” it’s all just supposition and guess work. While this statement might sound as empty as “it is what it is,” you can’t know until you know. And no matter how much you want something, you can’t make yourself get there before you’re there. It happens when it happens. At its heart, HIMYM is a love story, and the most amazing part of all our individual love stories is that we have no idea what moment is going to change our lives forever. Everything else only gains significance in hindsight.
The whole arc of HIMYM – as evidenced most clearly in the title – is leading us to that one moment for Ted. Which moment in these nine years will be the defining one that shapes everything that comes next? We see all of the close calls – dating her roommate, being so near the yellow umbrella, walking into her class – and all the women who might be “it.” But, of all those thousands of moments, it’s meeting the wedding singer.
None of us can know what that moment will be in our own lives until we’re in it. I met my husband at a practice for a local improve comedy group on a Sunday afternoon when I had a terrible hangover and hadn’t washed my hair. We all have, or are waiting for, our life-changing moment, and I think it’s that part of Ted’s journey that touches us and makes the show so appealing.
Until I met my husband, I thought at least six different people were my soul mates and made a lot of questionable decisions – including one possibly ill-advised transoceanic flight – to that end. I have my own Victoria, Stella, etc. (And I won’t even get into the not-quite-soul-mate-level people that I also spent a lot of time with and made yet more questionable decisions because of.) For a good six years, I was sure that I would eventually end up with one particular person. For me, that person is my Robin – the one you’re sure you want and that you can come up with so many reasons that you two should be together.
But, you won’t end up together.
Because he or she isn’t the one. And you can’t know that you’re chasing shadows until you find the real thing.
I think that in the best-told story, Robin remains the one Ted is sure he wants before he finds the one that’s really meant for him.
HIMYM addresses topics and themes that pertain to singledom/life in your 20s and early 30s in a way that is heartfelt, honest and usually very funny. Some examples? When Ted discovers that he’s inadvertently recreated his parents’ relationship. When Ted realizes he has feelings for someone that is married. When Ted has to face the idea that being an architect might not be in the cards.
This isn’t about “getting the girl” in the unrealistic romantic comedy sense of star-crossed lovers in a will they or won’t they pull. This is a story about finding the one. And obviously, especially for those poor kids trapped listening to this story, there’s a lot that comes before finding the one. And nothing about the people you love before finding the one negates how great and wonderful it is once you find it.
Ted can love Robin with his whole heart and still be meant to find a better and more satisfying relationship with the mother. Those two coexist in the real world all the time. We all love people that aren’t the one. But, the person we build a life with still gets to trump all.
The real love story on HIMYM is just beginning, and the better more honest story is in what becomes of Ted after he moves past Robin and opens himself up to the possibility of a better love. (Enter the mother …)
Because how do most of our real life love stories go? Do you spend years pining away for someone only to have the person realize one day, years after you’ve met, that yes, you two are meant to be together and now a great relationship begins?
No. When you meet the one, it works. And it usually works right off the bat. That’s the beauty of the one. And it’s the very same thing you can’t force or make happen or twist and bend into submission. It happens when it happens. Until then, we’re all just waiting and searching and hoping.
HIMYM needs to end exactly the way it told us it was going to end nine years ago – with Ted Moseby meeting the love of his life and the mother of his children. Any other ending – dead mother and Robin reunion included – is disingenuous to the story telling and the truth of the human experience.
Image originally posted to Flickr by Francis Orante under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.
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5 Other Lives
One of my assignments from The Artist’s Way Toolkit was to write down what I would do if I had five other lives to lead. Here’s what I came up with. I’m guessing four of them would require that I spend less time watching J.J. Abrams’ and Joss Whedon’s shows, which is a lot of what I’ve done with my present life. Regardless, here we go with my five other lives. (Should you have other lives of your own planned, I’d love to hear about them. As I’m currently obsessed with Fringe, I fully admit that I spend too much time wondering what alternate Laurel does with herself.)
1. Soap Star
This has been one of my fantasies for years. As a soap opera star, I would preferably be attached to a large family in town and constantly embroiled in love triangles. I would also like to be part of a supercouple, but get married tons of times so that I could put on all the different dresses. Ideally, I would play identical twins on General Hospital. One would be a do-gooding doctor at, where else, General Hospital. The other would be a mob princess.
2. Criminal Profiler
Some people armchair quarterback; I armchair crime solve. I would love to work for the FBI in a way that I would never get shot at. (Pursuits, shooting and possible death really don’t appeal to me.) I’m also aware that “criminal profiler” is not an actual job title. Seriously, if you go to the FBI’s job postings there’s an entire page dedicated to the fact that “Criminal Profiler” is not a position and that despite the popularity of Criminal Minds, that career path does not exist. I knew a lot of people watched Criminal Minds, but I had no idea so many people asked the FBI about it that they had to build a web disclaimer. Fascinating. I'd love to try and solve crimes/find the missing pieces of the puzzle while also trying to discover the whys of it all.
3. College Professor
In this scenario, the scene opens on a some small liberal arts college in New England just before Winter break. Snow is falling. Coeds run around excited about heading home for the holidays and nervous about exams. I walk through the quad in fashionable tweed with piles of papers in my arms before heading back to the big old home with a wrap-around porch that I share with my husband and tons of way too-wise-for-their-years kids. For the sake of the fantasy, we ignore the fact that I disdain snow and tend to have trouble talking to large groups of people under the age of 20.
4. TV Writer
If I'd had more guts when I was younger, I would have loved to have seen what I could accomplish as a television writer. Reading Mindy Kaling's book made me very jealous. (She started writing for The Office at 24, people. 24! I was writing post-it notes at 24.) I think it would have been interesting to explore the Hollywood world from the writing perspective. Again, for the sake of fantasy, we have to ingore the fact that L.A. traffic would do me in within a week.
5. Wealthy Hermit
In my fifth life, I'd just be independently wealthy. I'd always be in beautiful clothes, go back and forth between my impeccable homes, eat amazing food and travel the world. In this life, I think I could keep the J.J. Abrams and Joss Whedon shows. Only, I'd do it without the guilt I feel in thinking I should be doing something else. And better snacks.
5 Of My Favorite SNL Characters
I've been watching Saturday Night Live since the fifth grade. (The cool kids were watching it, therefore I had to watch it. I also liked watching L.A. Law. I guess you can say my tv tastes haven't changed that much in 20 years.) Back then, the biggest challenge was staying up late enough to see all of SNL. I considered it a win if I made it to the first musical number.
Collectively, our class liked SNL so much that, inspired by the political humor of the show, we put on a sketch at Christmas based on the trial of Sadaam Hussein. (It was 1990. We were very topical.) Each class performed a skit at the holidays. I don't know why, but it was fun. I played Nancy Reagan in the trial. It wasn't long after the Reagan years, and we had to have a role for every student, so it seemed appropriate. I wore a red jacket and had one line when I took my place in front of the entire upper school, "Just say no to drugs."
I think that kind of characterization isn't bad for 11-year-olds.
A little while later -- I can't remember if it was 6th or 7th grade -- we put on a Christmas skit that included impersonations of all of our favorite SNL characters. The copy guy (Rob Schneider) was there, and I'm pretty sure I played Pat. There was a lot of stuffing involved.
I could regale you with tales of other sketches and plays my friends and I put on throughout the years -- including a rainy day summer camp performance that involved a fake exercise video for tools to increase your bust -- but I'm not sure I could maintain anyone's attention long enough to get through all of those. I think the overall point is this: I've always had a flair for the dramatic (surprise, surprise), and I've always appreciated the funny.
No matter what kind of year SNL is having, I always enjoy watching it. It's hard to be funny for an hour and a half week after week. I don't expect every skit to be gold, and considering the constraints on the writers and performers, I'm amazed at whay they put out each episode In light of that, here are a few of my top characters from throughout the years. (Like I said, it's "a few" because it's not so easy to narrow down decades of sketch comedy.)
5. The Church Lady
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX8jo8wIIaU]The Church Lady began my love affair with Saturday Night Live. (As well as my conviction that I could do impressions, which is not true but did not stop me from saying "Satan"with a head tilt whenever I got the chance.) For the sake of full disclosure, I also like The Master of Disguise, so judge my humor recommendations as you will.
4. Sarah Palin
Tina Fey, and "I can see Russia from my house." Do I really need to say more? As my earlier allusion to fifth grade would suggest, I love some political humor. Most SNL "politicians" crack me up, but if I had to pick a favorite, this would be it. I only regret that we had to get the real Sarah Palin for this sake of this masterful impersonation.
3. Pat
Again going back to where it all began, it seems unfair not to include Pat on my list. Has androgeny ever been so funny? Or disturbing?
2. Get Off The Shed Guy
Is there anything quite like the barely suppressed rage of the suburbs? I vote "no." Wether Will Ferrell is demanding his kids "get off the shed" or adamant that he "drives a Dodge Stratus," I am beyond amused.
1. Penelope
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX8jo8wIIaU]
I find few things more amusing than one-upping, so can it really can't be a surprise that Kristen Wiig's one-upping Penelope tops my list of SNL characters. I realize Penelope is a total love her or hate her character, but clearly I love her. Not only do I find her hilarious, but she has renewed my conviction that I can -- and I will, dammit -- do impersonations. Who wants to see me twirl my hair while I talk about having invented the Internet, master minded all Google search capabilities and come out with the world's first ever blog?
The Newest Member Of The Family
This is the newest member of the household, Gilly (a.k.a. the Gilly monster). She's decided she's not a fan of the flash on my camera, hence the closed eyes.
Yes, she is named for this Gilly.
There are three primary reasons for this:
1. My great, great love of Kristen Wiig. Even if this is one of her less popular characters, I'm still a fan.
2. Both Gillys have similar unruly hair.
3. When we discipline Gilly, the SO and I can do Will Forte impressions.
My 5 Favorite Shows Of The New Season
I’ve found the last few television seasons to be, well, rough. I’m still struggling with the end of Lost (I know it's been 2 years), they put Community on a temporary hiatus (March 15 cannot get here fast enough), they cancelled Ghost Whisperer and Medium, and just when I thought Criminal Minds had been put back together after a lackluster sixth season, Paget Brewster announces that she’s leaving the show – again. While I’m on a roll, How I Met Your Mother killed 2011. 2012, not so much. I need ghosts, time travel or sexual tension – pick your poison – and I need them ASAP.
Luckily, this year, I have a few shows to hold onto. Unfortunately, just by saying this, I’m probably dooming them all to cancellation.
1. Ringer
All that really had to happen was for the CW to put Sarah Michelle Geller back on the air. That they did, in a double your pleasure, double your fun kind of way. As a Buffy fan, I love some Ringer. Then Logan from Veronica Mars showed up. All around awesomeness. I also appreciate that at 18, I modeled all of my outfits around Buffy’s. Now at 32, after years without guidance, I have her back as a style icon. Double the role, double the outfits – even though they are still way out of my price range.
2. Once Upon a Time
Admittedly, this one has to do with another one of my girl crushes. I adore Jennifer Morrison. She is enough to make me question my hair color. (My desire to be blonde can go a little off the rails at times.) I still miss the sexual tension between her and House. Throw in my love of the dark side of fairy tales and an excellent supporting cast, and I can’t help myself on this one. Plus, it seems to be the closest I’m getting to time travel this year.
3. Up All Night
Basically, Maya Rudolph opens her mouth, and I laugh. Christina Applegate and Will Arnett rock, too, but it’s Maya playing a version of her infamous Oprah character that has me tuning in week after week.
4. The New Girl
For some reason that I’m not sure I understand, I know that Zooey Deschanel and “adorkable” have created a divide in the pop culture community. Whether it’s cool, not cool or trying to be cool, I love The New Girl. It’s just funny, and I’m fully prepared to watch the will-they/won’t-they sexual tension between Jess and roommate Nick for years to come.
5. Awake
I may be calling this one early, but I loved the pilot. (This also seems to be the only show I like without a strong female lead. Did you know Netflix actually suggests shows for me with strong female leads? You do now.) There’s crime solving, a very likable lead and Wilder Valderama is playing this role without an accent. Plus, there’s a chance of conspiracy (another fave). So, whether I’ve got a guy talking to ghosts, a hole in the time-space continuum or a big-time cover-up, it seems like a win all the way around.
* For the sake of the SO’s dignity, I should share that refuses to be in the room when Ringer or Once Upon a Time is on.
In Which I Audition For A Reality Show
I don’t know why I get the e-mails that I get. Some of them seem too good to be true – secret shopper opportunities and large Target gift cards included. Others are press releases that have little to do with me (“U.S. Prepares Secret Charges Against Dictator X”). Some are entirely in Arabic.
However, when a little e-mail popped up in my inbox a few months ago asking if my home was cluttered and I needed help, I decided to respond.
I disdain clutter. I am a neat person. We have known some hoarders, so my mother is the anti-hoarder. This is a trait she has passed on to me. For everything that comes in, something goes out, and the only thing I’m sentimental about is cards and letters. If you come over and don’t see something you gave me, save yourself the pain and don’t ask, but know I appreciated the thought.
Unfortunately, someone I care very much about doesn’t worry about clutter as much as I do. When you throw in the fact that we both work from a home that’s less than 1,000 square feet, well, there can be issues.
I wrote a couple of sentences back to the e-mail. The sender wanted pictures. Within five minutes of sending the photos, this e-mail arrived, “We want to talk to you.”
We chatted on the phone, I sent more photos and I got another e-mail reading, “We’d like to send a producer to your house. Does tomorrow work?”
I wasn’t sure whether or not to be thrilled (free stuff for the house!) or ashamed (I’m a reality TV producer’s dream).
Also, I’d done all of this while the SO was out of town for work, so I had to call him and tell him what I’d been up to. You know that phone call, when you tell your SO that you’ve been scheming to have his house made over (TV crew included) while he went away for the weekend? Pretty standard stuff.
“Have you heard of the Style Network, honey?”
“I guess,” he said.
“How do you feel about being on it?”
When the producer came over to do our interview and take a tour of the house, she and I had a 45-minute interview. She and the SO talked for 10 minutes.
Beyond the “how do you feel about the clutter?” questions, there was “Is this the man you want to family with?” “How would you feel about someone else coming in and telling you what to do with your space?” and “Is this a deal breaker for you?”
That’s when I had another realization: I was the source of drama for this television production. They either expected me to argue with the SO about the house or argue with the organizing team about my house. I was their Omarosa.
I could complain, but whom are we kidding? If someone is going to bring drama to a housing renovation, it’s going to be me. I can bring drama to a lunch for the mute. I like to think of it as passion, but I could be wrong.
We took two and a half hours of footage, I sent more photos and there were lots of phone conversations, but unfortunately, we didn’t make the cut. In some ways, it’s nice to know people need more help than I do. In other ways, I really, really wanted free stuff.
Also on the plus side, I appreciate that the SO continues to put up with my shenanigans, and on the negative one, there’s a tape out there somewhere with a whole lot of me bitching about binders and photo equipment.
* This is not one of the photos I sent of my house. I don't do plants.
White People Problems
My birthday is November 18, and despite the fact that that seems far away from Christmas, when you throw in Thanksgiving, I contend that most birthdays from Nov. 15 - Jan. 15 probably go a tad less noticed because of their proximity to the holidays. (Not that 32 requires a throw down or the complete attention of my friends. I'm actually going somewhere else with this, so please bear with me.)
The lesser attention really gets made up for in the fact that you basically get to open presents for weeks on end. It almost becomes customary to receive gifts, so when January rolls around with it's cold temperatures and historically-significant holidays (that are incredibly important, of course, but have no presents), it's kind of a letdown.
To handle this down slide, and get the most for my money, years ago I started saving my Christmas and birthday money to spend after Christmas when all of the sales are really good. I know I sound like a spoiled consumerist here, but I can't deny that I like stuff. Plus, when you mail order your sale items, it's like you get to keep opening presents because packages are always arriving at the door.
(Seasonal depression, meet my new handbag.)
The other day, I was contemplating one of my purchases, a Kate Spade cocktail ring (because I like to have nice things but only if I can pay less than half the retail price), and I asked the SO what he thought of it.
"It just doesn't look like it did on the Internet," I said. "I really expected more. Do you think I should send it back?" (Also, if you are indecisive about your purchases, you can prolong the whole present/packages deal with exchanges and returns for weeks. Yes, I may have a problem.)
His answer: "White people problems."
And it's true. Whether or not my cocktail ring was purchased under false pretenses hardly has much to do with the world at large. I probably should spend more brain power and time on the debt ceiling or North Korea or something, but I don't. So, in acknowledgement of my not-so-problemy problems, I give you "White People Problems" from last week's Saturday Night Live. Thanks to this particular skit, I can no longer use the word "awkward" without feeling uncomfortable, and since "awkward" was half of my vocabulary (and the real word I wanted to use instead of "uncomfortable"), it's been hard on me. Then again, that's just another white people problem.
Karaoke And WASPs
Being tone deaf and all, karaoke has always been a challenge. With no musical ability whatsoever, you're pretty much left with three options:
1. Make sure your song is a group song that involves lots of other girls so you're never close to the microphone. Of course, this comes with the obvious side effect that you are part of a large obnoxious group of girls on stage most likely singing "Love Shack" or "I Will Survive," and your dignity is lost somewhere amongst the red headed slut shots you've been taking all evening.*
2. Only sing once everyone else in the bar is too drunk to realize how bad you really are. If you're me, there's always one table left that cannot -- either due to court mandates or liver problems -- reach this level of inebriation.*
3. Learn a song that involves more speaking than singing.
I once saw a girl perform Eminem's "Lose Yourself" and bring the house down. Admittedly, said house was a smoky bar between a Days Inn and a Waffle House, but I still count it as an accomplishment.
Naturally, I went in search of my speaking v. singing karaoke song. I tried Snow's "Informer," but well, it's really hard, and I don't have that much will power. The obvious fallback? Young MC's "Bust A Move."
Now, while I never did actually learn all the words (and more importantly, timing) to "Bust A Move," I did spend a lot of time studying the song.
Since I cannot embed the actual video, I give you this:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wJCmtZMc1g]
Last week, the SO and I were in the car listening to the Glee soundtrack (that he bought me, by the way), when he declared their version of "Bust A Move" as the whitest version ever. (Clearly, if I had ever mastered "Bust A Move," my rendition would have been the whitest ever, but I digress.)
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRpKy4MbMms]
I countered that I believe the whitest version of "Bust A Move" ever was performed on One Tree Hill. Their version is not only on One Tree Hill, but is also off-key and involves five-year olds.
Unfortunately, you'll have to follow the link on this one, but I think the evidence speaks for itself.
Dissension is welcome in the comments.
*Neither of these have ever stopped me from singing karaoke when I wanted to.
What I Have Learned Watching TV With The SO
The man in my life is into zombies. From what I can gather, this is somewhat normal. At my Halloween party two years ago, at least half the men showed up dressed as zombies. Zombies seem to have snuck into our lives over the last few years. (And please don’t get me started on what it’s been like since The Walking Dead premiered. I think it’s a fine show, but six episodes and then you take off for a year? Can we really call that a season? Really?)
Then again, I watch Lifetime and shows where women talk to dead people, so I’m sort of in a glass house here. While I don’t mind the zombies, I can’t say that I love them. The flesh-eating thing just doesn't really grab me.
Anyway, based on my recent viewings of these kinds of post-catastrophe shows/movies, there are a few tips and tricks I’ve picked up for surviving/dealing with aliens, zombies and danger at every turn.
1. There are absolutely no rules about who lives and who dies. Don’t even try to figure it out. If you’re popular and young, it actually seems like you’re more likely to be a goner. Also, your death will be incredibly unpleasant. If you have any sort of pre-existing anxiety issues, be sure to raid the local pharmacy for Xanax as soon as the looting begins.
2. One member of your vagabond group of survivors is psychotic, plans to sacrifice you to save him or herself or will betray you. It is never the uglies or dirtiest member of your group, despite their appearance and cryptic comments. Trust is going to be hard.
3. It is not a good idea to capture a zombie/alien/freak so that you can study the creature and try to figure out how to overcome its kind, yadda, yadda, yadda. One member of the team will die, and it’s usually the one who had the idea to study the creature in the first place, or the person best equipped to figure out anything science-y.
4. Any captured creature will also most likely possess some kind of mind control abilities, so, well, you’re just kind of f*&%ed there, and seeing as you’re already f&%$ed, why invite more trouble?
5. If you are in need of medical attention and find a doctor, don’t ask, “What kind of doctor are you?” If you don’t know already, or the information hasn’t been volunteered, the answer is always “vet.” Ignorance is bliss here, especially seeing as you won’t have any other options.
6. Hope the catastrophe/supernatural takeover happens while you’re wearing good shoes. Long journeys and lots of walking are, for some reason, crucial to your survival. I’d vote for finding the loon in the neighborhood with a panic room or bomb shelter and waiting it out, but apparently I’d be in the minority there.
7. Having sex to escape your feelings about the end of the world is never a good idea. You’ll either end up with a jerk who is also “helping out” all of the other ladies in your motley crue or with the most inconvenient pregnancy ever. (Please see #6 and #5 as it will be much harder for you to walk while pregnant, and your baby will inevitably be delivered by a vet.)
What happened to the good old days when shows were set in bars and coffee shops? There was so much less to worry about then, unless you were Norm and had that nagging Vera to deal with.
Kids These Days -- And Their Kids?
I think this needs to be said: There are too many pregnant teenagers on television.
Is teen pregnancy a reality that should be addressed? Absolutely. Is it unrealistic to pretend that there are no consequences to teen sex? Sure. But, good God, if you pay attention these days, you’d think 1 in 3 teenagers has had a baby. I’m sure there are some great think tanks spreading similar propaganda, but I really want to know when this became entertainment.
No one on Dawson’s Creek had babies. Or Felicity. The original 90210 had some dramatic pregnancy tests, but it’s nothing like you see today. (I also think Brandon dated a girl who had a baby, but they had to break up so she could concentrate on her son, kind of like how he and his ice skater girlfriend had to break up so she could focus on her sport. Note to self: Brandon Walsh’s exes might make for a good “Where are they now?”)
I guess I should have seen the beginning of the trend with One Tree Hill five or six years ago. Two of the main characters were born to teen moms, and another character had a daughter. (If you paid close attention, you’d also notice that half the commercials associated with the show were for pregnancy tests or diapers.) But after awhile, the question became who really watches One Tree Hill? Or the CW network in general? And do we really need Chad Michael Murray in our lives?
(I realize that my aversion to the CW (before Sarah Michelle Geller showed back up) and most reality TV – yes, I watch a lot of reality TV, but it still doesn’t compare to the legions of shows that are out there – is why I don’t know 75% of the celebrities in tabloids these days, but it was probably only a matter of time before I needed to give up my celeb gossip habit. Taylor Momsen, I still have no idea who you are.)
At first, I thought MTV’s Teen Mom was a great cautionary tale. I would pay good money to burn the image of Gary in a bunny suit from my brain, let alone not to be tied to him for life. But, then I started seeing all the stories about teens getting pregnant to become celebrities, and I realized the SO was right about the show having the opposite effect.
I think the real problem is that no one understands the difference between negative and positive attention anymore. It used to be that celebrity had something to do with talent. Now, as Reese Witherspoon pointed out, it’s all about sex tapes and bad behavior.
Want to be famous? You’ll at least need to apply to The Real World and make out with members of both the same and opposite sex before your bags are even unpacked.
My favorite piece of reality show dialogue lately? Kris Jenner (who clearly has issues but also some sort of freaky luck) being upset because her friend told her she’d be “mortified if her daughter had a child out of wedlock and didn’t marry the father.”
I want to back up for just a moment here, Kris. It’s incredibly embarrassing to you that your grown, independent daughter who supports herself has a baby without being married, but you’re totally down with the fact that anyone can watch Kim doing it with Ray J?
Yeah.
And while I realize I’m partly contradicting my own argument by admitting that I saw all of this on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, I’d also like to express my gall at the fact that Kim sided with her mother on this issue and said marriage before kids was more in line with “her values.”
Does she have “desperate desire to get married at any cost” confused with a “value”? Is 72 days of marriage till death do us part? Did Punk’d come back on the air and no one told me about it?
Of course, it’s not just reality TV that’s the problem. I’ve seen more marriage proposals on ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teenager than any other show this year, and half those kids don’t even have their driver’s licenses. How do they even get around to have all the sex that they’re having?
The alternative to having a baby on that show seems to be oral sex, and all the church-going kids do is have the same amount of sex as the rest of their classmates and then tell their pregnant friends they’ll go to hell if they have abortions.
Is this really what the American Broadcasting Company wants to call “family” programming?
I’m not arguing that we should ostracize teenage mothers in any way, but I also think we need to be extremely wary of normalizing teen pregnancy. (Pregnancy pacts anyone?)
I admire girls and women who raise children in far less than ideal circumstances. Hell, I can barely take care of the dogs some days. However, I think those same women would probably be the first ones to tell you how hard early motherhood is, and I don’t think most of them are running around getting breast implants a la Farrah Abraham.
While we’re on the subject, I’d also like to talk about the fact that Bristol Palin made $272,000 last year as an advocate against teen pregnancy. ?!??! Six figures because a less-than-diligent VP vetting team picked your mom from political obscurity, and you had a baby before finishing high school? Really?
I didn’t have a baby as a teenager, and I don’t make nearly that much money. Isn’t it possible that I might be a little more qualified to talk to girls about not getting pregnant as a teen seeing as I successfully avoided teen pregnancy? Bristol Palin has multiple US Weekly covers. I can’t claim that, but I did graduate from college. It’s not that I have to be the poster child for this issue, but what is wrong with our role models?
Again, me = no baby in high school. Bristol Palin = one baby in high school. When it comes to the topic of avoiding teen pregnancy, I think that alone makes me more qualified to discuss the issue.
No one’s asking, but if they were, here’s my plan: Let’s differentiate between positive and negative attention, consider who our real role models should be and, thinking like the crazy liberal that I am, make condoms available to teenagers.
Also, someone needs to investigate how the Kardashians took over tabloid magazines and the E! Network. I’d kill for the good old days of bi-weekly Jessica Simpson covers anytime now – unless she’s guest starring on One Tree Hill or The Secret Life of the American Teenager, of course.*
* Clearly, I wrote this before Jessica Simpson announced her own pregnancy. I'm sure there's a way to tie it all together, but Jessica Simpson is a grown woman, and I'm kind of tired. I'm going to let the coincidence speak for itself for now.
What Happens When You Talk Too Much About Your Wigs
I get that my love of wigs might seem strange to some, but I really did see it as a little quirk, maybe an eccentricity if you will. It may be weird, but it's not intervention- or even therapy-worthy. It's not like I'm Star Jones or Wendy Williams. Apart from certain major holidays or bachelorette parties, you're seeing my real hair.
Then, the other day, shortly after I posted about Halloween, this -- no joke -- arrived in my e-mail inbox:
Hi!
I am the Associate Producer for the new TLC series that is showcasing serious and dedicated collectors and passionate enthusiasts of all kinds. We will follow the individuals on their pursuits for the next great piece, or delve into their world as they teach us what it is that drives their passion.
I came across your article about your wigs, and wanted to discuss the possibility of appearing on our show.
Let me know your thoughts!
Since it was Halloween, I thought it might be a joke. However, I checked out the production company mentioned in the e-mail signature, and it seemed legit. Never one to let even the oddest opportunity pass me by, I wrote back. If curiosity really did kill the cat, I don't know how I made it past pre-school.
Hi Laurel
Here's where I bowed out. My earlier concerns aside, I'm just not the level of collector they need, and I can't lie to anyone affiliated with the network that produces Kate Plus Eight. They'd probably sic some of those Duggar kids on me, and I'd be repenting or procreating far more than I ever planned. That, or again, I'd run the risk of being stuck with hoarders. I wrote back:
In Which Laurel Proves She's A Grown-Up -- Sort Of
Last weekend was Sidewalk, Birmingham’s big film festival. There are hundreds of films throughout multiple venues as well as talks, parties, etc. To be perfectly honest, I am lucky to make it to four movies during the course of the festival. I have trouble sitting still for that long – unless I’m in a place that has alcoholic beverages, then I can sit for hours – and I have a relatively low threshold for angst, so a lot of relationship films are out for me.
This year, I made it to three movies, which is really pretty good for me. I saw The Innkeepers (very scary) as well as The Greater Good about vaccines and Page One: Inside the New York Times. I don’t think I have to explain what that last one was about, and as a former print journalist, I have lots more thoughts on that one to come.
The SO loves film festivals. In fact, he works at many throughout the Southeast as a jury wrangler (which, as far as I can tell, means that he makes sure the jurors hand in their votes for the winning movies in a timely manner). I’ve traveled with him to film festivals in Atlanta, Memphis and Oxford. All were great fun. That man can watch more movies than anyone I’ve ever met, and all of those cities have great shopping and restaurants for me. He can sit in a theater, and I can hit up IKEA. It’s really a win/win for us.
However, this year’s Sidewalk was particularly special because Christine Elise was on the jury. For those of you who are scratching your heads right now, Christine Elise will always be Emily Valentine in my book. For anyone who is still confused, well then, I don’t know how we’ve made it together this long, but she was on Beverly Hills, 90210, and she was awesome.
Now, the SO does tend to worry a little about me embarrassing myself/him when celebrities are involved.
“You know they’re just people right?”
And really, most of the time, this isn’t a problem. (There was one year that Joshua Jackson was supposed to show up to Sidewalk and WEATHER got in the way, but that was years ago and long before I met the SO.) I continually explain to him that I prefer my fantasies to reality, so if someone I adore turns out to be a jerk, it would just ruin everything. Not to mention the fact that usually I’m not all that familiar with the people on film festival juries because I don’t watch a lot of movies, so it tends to work out.
However, he had concerns about Christine Elise.
“You’re going to be OK, right”
“Of course, what do you think I’m going to do? Ask her about Jason Priestley and Luke Perry for three hours? I’m not 14 anymore.”
“Like I said,” he went on, “you’re going to be OK, right?”
On opening night, as we were standing in the Alabama Theatre, I suddenly noticed that Christine Elise was standing next to the SO.
I went to shake her hand and said, “I hope I’m not intruding, but I’m a huge, huge fan.”
“No, that’s always nice to hear,” she said.
I believe the SO was quite relieved.
Later, at an after party, I had the SO ask if she wouldn’t mind being in a picture with me. She let me take a series to get a good one, and I was a happy gal.
All in all, it was a lovely weekend.
In honor of my “maturity,” here’s the real list of questions/conversation topics I was dying to go over with Christine if I really didn't have any dignity:
1. How many takes did the “I’m going to set the homecoming float on fire” scene take? Were you nervous? Did you know how awesome and “I’m making Beverly Hills, 90210 history” that scene would be? Have you re-watched it and seen Ian Ziering’s facial expression of “shock and fear” when they cut away from you? Two words: not pretty.
2. Did you think it was weird that they called the drug you slipped Brandon at the rave UB40? I mean, how likely is it that the band UB40 would be associated with a drug? If you’re going to go that way, wouldn’t Keith Richards or Aerosmith be a far more logical choice. Or, maybe y’all new UB40 wouldn’t complain. You don’t have to say anymore. I think I get it. (Then I would have attempted a wink, and it would have gone badly because I am genetically incapable of winking. Seriously, neither my mother nor one of my sisters can wink either.)
3. I really enjoyed the school talent show when you, Kelly and Brenda wore Robert Palmer-style dresses but decided to sing “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” in honor of your new found friendship after you went out with both Brandon and Dylan while you were still “the new girl” in school. Was Shannen Doherty a total bitch during that one? I can see her trying to bump y’all out of the way during the performance. Again, if you don’t want to say anything, just blink once for “yes” and twice for “no."
4. Mother Knows Best is one of my favorite Lifetime movies. And your character’s name in that one is Laurel. We have so much in common! How was it working with Lifetime veteran Joanna Kerns? Have you thought about doing more Lifetime movies? I thought Josie Bisset’s Obituary was particularly good. They’ve got some good stuff happening over at that network.
And the silly, silly SO worries.
*As for the photos: 1. In retrospect, I really should have washed my hair that day., 2. I also own the dress Christine Elise is wearing!, 3. That second photo shows our mutual annoyance when the SO refused to take a photo while we were both looking at the camera.
Kids These Days And Some Women's History
In my 9th grade history class, I ended up on a group project with some other girls that was to be a mural entitled “A Century of Women: 1890-1990,” or something like that.
Now, since we weren’t actually painting on a wall – the whole thing was down on a long roll of butcher block paper – and I can’t draw to save my life, I’m not sure why this was our chosen medium of expression (or why we called it a “mural” instead of a “painting”), but there you have it. I can be pretty sure that the women’s history part was my idea since studying is something I was good at.
I had the early years, 1890-1920, and what stuck with me the most after all of that research is how the invention of the washing machine, and later the vacuum, blender, and every other appliance a man should never buy a woman on a romantic holiday, affected women’s lives. While everyone claimed that these products would make women's lives easier, it was the exact opposite that occurred. Instead of being free from the kitchen and laundry for other pursuits, women were just expected to get more done in a day.
Even then, it seemed like a raw deal.
Twenty years later or so, I feel the same way about technology. Only, whereas my industrious forebearers kept house and tended to families, I use the Internet and Netflix to watch every episode of every random television series I’ve ever liked and play way too much spider solitaire. I haven’t created more free time, but I have created more wasted time.
And even though it might seem frivolous, I do think children of this generation are completely missing out on the struggle it used to take to watch your favorite show. Without DVR or TV on DVD or the beloved live-streaming Netflix, you actually had to be home when your show was on. And, if heaven forbid you weren’t home, you had to trust a crazy contraption called the VCR to record if for you. That was a 50/50 shot at best. How many times did you rush home only to find that you had snow on tape instead of The Cosby Show?
I’m going to guess it happened more than once.
To this day, the only episode of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer I haven’t seen has to do with a drive from D.C. to Birmingham and an ill-timed VCR. (I plan to correct this shortly thanks to Netflix, but it was still rough. It was the one where Buffy and Spike finally did it for God’s sake. It left my friend Margaret and I with nothing to discuss for most of that Thanksgiving break.)
Perhaps sadder yet (on many levels, this is a dork story if there ever was one), around the time I was 14, I decided to make it my mission to watch every episode of Quantum Leap. (Again, I know I was weird.) Quantum Leap played in reruns twice a day between 10:00 and 12:00 p.m. So, not only did I have to record the shows, but I had to find the time to watch them somewhere between soccer practice, homework and dinner with the fam.
The episodes were also played in order, so if you missed one, you had to wait for the next go-round for a chance to see it again.
Oh, the struggles of my youth.
I remember when I was only one episode away from completing my goal, when I learned that that one episode was actually called “Trilogy,” so what I thought was one episode was really three.
(I know, it’s hard to believe one adolescent could endure so much.)
"Trilogy" played the week I had soccer camp, so being summer, I could watch it when it was on. I had gotten through the first two episodes just fine. I was finally down to the third episode, and last episode of my saga, which also happened to be a murder trial when, I kid you not, this happened:
Scott Bakula was standing in the courtroom, “I’ll tell you who the murderer is here!”
And my power went out -- one minute from knowing the outcome of a salacious plot line and five minutes from achieving a dream.
The next day at soccer camp was a long one.
Of course, I eventually saw all the episodes of Quantum Leap (and learned that sometimes the worst thing is for a wish to come true – oh, life without new episodes of the greatest time-traveling show the world has ever known can be rough), but it took time and patience.
These days, I don’t need either of those. Can’t recall where you’ve seen an actor before? Imdb.com. Forgot it was Modern Family night? DVR. Don’t like to talk to pizza delivery guys? Order online.
Not only are kids not learning about the potential disappointment of missing a favorite show, they live in a world where everything rests at your fingertips 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Yes, it’s my love/hate relationship with the Internet on display for the world yet again. But, it really does make me wonder where we’ll go from here, and whether or not, like the generations before us, we’re still trading “convenience” for stress, worry and longer and longer work days.
Throwback Thursday: The Old Guard
Last night's Lifetime DVD selection starred the lovely Richard Crenna.
You see, I actually started out the evening watching "Evidence of Love" with Barbara Hershey, but Barbara's frightening fashion choices in the film, from her crude, nearly shaved pube-like hairdo to the large overly round, bug-eye glasses, were so overwhelming and lasting that I didn't want to go to sleep with that being the last image in my brain.
There are 2 reasons for this:
1. I didn't want the nightmares.
2. As Lifetime has strategically led me to believe, someone could break into my home and strangle me at any moment. And, I might not be able to count on a psychic waitress to warn me of said serial killer's attention. Therefore, I didn't want Barbara Hershey's 80s-era Midwest androgeny to be the last thing I saw of this world.
Also, in case you were wondering, "Evidence of Love" revolves around a gruesome murder committed with an axe. And, yes, Barbara's hair scared me more than the hideously painful death by axe thing. So, I popped in Richard Crenna as a hardened cop who, through struggle and hardship, learns a lot about himself so that we, as his audience, can learn a little about ourselves.
For those of you who don't recognize the name, you might remember Richard Crenna from his stint on "Judging Amy" or for "Rambo: First Blood" or even "Hot Shots: Part Deux." My personal favorite is "And the Sea Will Tell." (I don't want to spoil anything, but let me say this - boy, does that sea have a lot to offer about love, deception, and the price of trust ...)
Seriously, I love Richard Crenna, even though I do find it unforunate that he made movies with titles like "First, You Cry," "The Rape of Richard Beck" and "A Pyromaniac's Love Story."
Richard Crenna is a member of what many of us know to be the "Old Guard" of Lifetime. He's no flash in the pan. He won't do 1 "based on a true story" deal for the money or a desperate need to be in the limelight. He's in it. For the long haul. You'll see him again and again. He's with Meredith Baxter-Birney, Brian Denehy, Kate Jackson, Lindsay Wagner ... You know their faces even if it takes a second on their names.
They're always there. They've been wronged, but they keep on ticking. Meredith Baxter-Birney has been left by more men than I can count, and she's even killed a couple of them, but she'll still turn up on the tube sometimes, and she'll still have hair that yellowy blond color you've come to know and expect like the turning of the seasons or the fertility of K Fed.
Brian Denehy is kind of like your really creepy uncle. Sometimes he's defending the wronged. Sometimes he's attacking women in his dental office. He's not always a good guy and not always a bad guy ... It's a little like life, isn't it kids?
Joanna Kerns, God love her, she pretended to find Alan Thicke attractive for years and still had to make the movie "See Jane Run" (which is, of course, about an amnesiac who must not only overcome her own physical and psychological handicaps, but also save her daughter from her husband's abuse).
Their TV movies are cautionary tales in the truest sense. They remind you of every lurking danger, every unfulfilled dream, every psycho who might have commandeered your child's robot to spy on you in the shower ... For that, Old Guard of Lifetime, I salute you.
Acts Of God And Nature
Not to go all Patch Adams on everyone, but I really do feel like laughter can be the best medicine (along with antibiotics and all the traditional Western stuff that is). I think we should look for laughter – and joy – whenever we can because life can be pretty darn hard.
However, there are also plenty of times when laughter doesn’t seem appropriate. Or when there doesn’t seem like there’s much to laugh about. For the past few months, I often haven’t felt like laughing, but that’s another story for another day, when I’m ready to tell it.
More immediately, today is not a day that I feel like I can share anecdotes or talk about my annoyances from trips to the pharmacy, talking on the phone or attempting to fit in the clothes at Forever 21 (because at 31, I still believe I can be Forever 21).
On Wednesday, as most of the nation knows, a tornado unlike anything I have ever seen tore through my state and my city. The worst reports I hear have the main funnel at 1.5 miles wide and traveling a 200-mile path. Hundreds of people are dead, missing or homeless. So, even though I’ve spent most of my life being called irreverent, I’m going to just let today be today. There but for the grace of God, they say.
Also, at the risk of sounding preachy (which is not anywhere I ever want to go), I’ve been thinking about the ring my best friend gave me when I graduated from college. She’d had the same one for years, and I’d always wanted one of my own. It’s made of silver and says “This too shall pass” in Hebrew. A skyline of Jerusalem is engraved on the inside.
(I’m not Jewish. I have a St. Jude medal, too, even though I’m not Catholic. I don’t worry about it, so I ask you not to either, if you’d be so kind.)
At the time, I thought my “This too shall pass” was just a reminder that the bad times aren’t permanent and won’t last forever. (I’m sure it’s the depressive in me.) However, my friend reminded me that the adage isn’t just for the dark moments. It’s a reminder in the happy ones, too. We will not always be sad, just as we will not always be happy. Life happens in the ebb and flow, and you have to appreciate each of the moments when you’re in them because you have no idea how long they’ll last or what you might learn.
Like we all know, life is hard, and it isn’t fair. I’m just trying to figure it out like anyone else. And what do I know? Very little. But I know that today I’m lucky while others aren’t, and I may not always be the lucky one.
To quote more pop culture (because that’s what I do) I like what Morgan Freeman says in Bruce Almighty. When it’s all going downhill, sometimes it’s not the time to look up, but to look around. I am thankful for the family, friends, volunteers and general human beings who share in our triumphs and do want they can to make the tough times a little easier to bear.
The End Of An Era And A Day of Mourning
All My Children and One Life to Live were cancelled yesterday. (AMC and OLTL for those of use in the Soap Opera Digest know.) While this may not seem like a big deal to some, it’s the end of a very special era for me, and dare I say it, America.
I have never hidden my love of soap operas. Without them, I probably wouldn’t be the slightly dramatic, prone-to-hyperbole gal that I am today. My secret wish in life has always been to be a soap actress (preferably playing my own evil twin as well). I believe soap operas taught me as much about dialogue as any other writing. If you think about it, that’s all that really happens on a soap anyway.
I may not have watched a soap in years (I got too old for the drama. Once my couple is together, I want them to stay together), but that doesn’t mean my love for the characters or the genre is at all diminished.
Perhaps more important than my personal loss is what this means for television. Is this just another nail in the coffin of scripted television? Will our children grow up on reruns of Nancy Grace, Judge Judy and Jersey Shore? Will Maury’s paternity tests go on indefinitely? Will Cheaters be the default for tired moms folding laundry throughout the day?
On soap operas, despite the shenanigans, the good are eventually rewarded while those who lie, trick and manipulate are punished. Can I come even close to saying the same thing about any of the Real Housewives? No.
Even taking me and the fate of television out of the equation, who will teach the children? How will they know all that they’re missing?:
1. The L-Shaped Sheet: That special sheet used in post-coital daytime scenes to cover the woman to her sternum and the man to his waist.
2. How easy and inevitable it is for the heir from the right side of the tracks to fall for the girl from the wrong side of the tracks (most likely after a lifetime of playing together while her mother worked in the rich people’s home).
3. A kinder, gentler and generally more attractive mafia.
4. Is there a better memory exercise than keeping tracks of characters’ changing last names? I’m not convinced.
5. The aforementioned evil twins.
6. The common, everyday nature of long-lost siblings and children.
7. The inevitability of aging – how toddlers will go upstairs in the Spring and re-emerge as teenagers during May sweeps (usually just in time for Summer story lines to capture the teen demographic).
8. Hospitals run by three doctors that don’t need specialties because they have to treat every problem from pregnancy to trauma in a town of 40.
9. The real emotional toil of amnesia and multiple personality disorder.
10. Paternity tests limited to two candidates – one’s loving husband/boyfriend and the ex you accidentally slept with while thinking your loving partner was cheating on you.
11. How to run a city with only cops, lawyers, doctors, competing corporate magnates, models, the help and the staff of one restaurant/night club/coffee shop/country club.
I’m nervous about a world without Oprah, Susan Lucci or Erica Sleazak. Someone please hold me and tell me it’s all going to be OK.
From The Way Back Machine: Laurel As Marketing Guru
From my days on the Lipstick magazine blog, circa 2008. (Although, in my new incarnation as media guru, I would like to add for my clients that I understand -- and love -- e-blasts and viral videos, but I remain ambivalent about mass text alerts.):
I will be the first to confess that I am no marketing guru.
I have an OK head for business — supply and demand, profit margin, yada, yada. But I could care less about packaging, price points, focus groups and all the rest of it. (My brilliant slogans for Lipstick — "Read Lipstick magazine!" "Lipstick is a good magazine!" — were met with blank stares, and probable questioning of whether or not I was a good hire on the fourth floor.) I like what I like, and I tend to assume that other people will like what I like, too. Self-involved? Yes, but it's gotten me this far — 8' X 4' cubicle and all the printer paper a girl could want — so why ask questions now.
Apart from my love of funnyordie.com, I don't necessarily understand all of the new-fangled means of marketing like e-mail blasts, viral videos and text message alerts either. But, despite the fact that I can be out touch with what the kids are doing these days, I do still think of myself as a relatively informed and intelligent human being.
And it is for this very reason that I am completely baffled by CNN's latest venture. When you go to the CNN.com main page, you'll notice that certain stories have a little video camera and a little t-shirt icon next to them. The video icon is so that you can watch the story. This makes sense. After all, CNN stands for cable news network. The little t-shirt icon is so that you can purchase a t-shirt with that particular headline on it.
Seriously?
I read US Weekly; I've noticed how much fun people have putting pithy sayings on t-shirts. I've seen plenty of "Your boyfriend thinks I'm hot" and "Everyone loves an Italian boy." And, while sometimes it's hard to find the appeal of this ("Give me my coffee and no one gets hurt"? on a shirt? why?), I can accept it.
What I can't understand is why anyone would want to wear a CNN headline. Here are some examples from yesterday:
Colossal squid has soccer-ball eyes
Teen too young for 'come hither' pose?
And my personal favorite: Crying 4-year-old found along highway
Why on earth would anyone need a shirt emblazoned with "Crying 4-year-old found along highway"? I hardly think it's the same frat boy market that buys up "Beer drinkers get more head," or the politicos looking for "Every time you vote democratic, God kills a kitten." And I can't really see how slogan-ed t-shirts would be the final piece of Ted Turner's multi-layered, much-researched media empire.
Then again, I'm no marketing guru.
The Curious Case Of The Found Pants
Like most kids, I enjoyed my mystery series, with Encyclopedia Brown being at the top of the list. (It was in the ice cubes the whole time!)
Well, I enjoyed most mystery series. Nancy Drew was an exception. When my mom handed me my first Nancy Drew book, The Secret of the Old Clock, I remember looking at the cover art – which was of a girl kneeling next to a clock with a document next to it – and thinking, “There’s a will in the clock. Done.” I never read past page four, and I never picked up another Nancy Drew novel. Truthfully, I was a little insulted. (Insulted by the series, not my mom.)
I also liked to watch Alfred Hitchcock Presents on Nick at Nite, so I preferred my mysteries with unexpected twists – murder victims that became feed on the farm didn’t bother me at all.
And, thanks to my grandmother’s love of Murder, She Wrote, my favorite murder giveaway goes something like this:
“I can’t believe poor Mrs. Winters was shot to death.”
“I never said anything about Mrs. Winters being shot. How could you know that? Unless …”
[Insert slow clap.] “Well, I guess you’re onto me now, aren’t you?” Or, for the more sympathetic criminals, there were doe eyes and, “She was going to ruin me Jessica! Don’t you understand? She was going to ruin me!”
As an adult or child, I never get into Sherlock Holmes (unless he is being played by Robert Downey, Jr. – another story for another day). I want a chance to figure out a mystery, and if I have to know obscure 18th century ceramic patterns and cigar bands from India to solve the crime, I’m just not interested.
I will, however, watch most anything loosely-based on Sherlock Holmes – House (until they got rid of Cameron and ruined it for me), The Mentalist and Psych included. (Hugh Laurie, Simon Baker and James Roday may, or may not, have something to do with that.)
While I also like to play armchair detective when it comes to the news (“The killer is obviously a white male with Mommy issues”), I prefer not to go looking for mysteries in my own life. As a child, yes, I was all about lost money or old wills or treasure, but as an adult, I find the daily hunt for my missing keys to be enough of an extracurricular mental challenge.
This is only one of the many reasons I don’t like it when strange things occur around my house. These days, I have no need for secret admirers, long-lost relatives or neighbors trying to stuff rugs in the backs of their cars late at night. A quiet, peaceful home works just fine for me.
So, to whoever left their pants outside my door over the weekend – stop it! I don’t want to consider the possibilities of how your pants got there (ew), why you were pants-less on my property (more ew) or why you picked my house of all places, to gallivant. (The pants incident is still very jarring for me, so I’ve kind of run out of words for the whole thing. Hence, for you unfortunate reader, “gallivant.”)
As far as I’m concerned, clothes belong on people, and if anyone is going to leave clothes around my house, he or she is going to at least be someone I know.
Whoever you are, oh mysterious provider of pants, please find another stoop for your leftovers. This particular armchair detective has enough to worry about with her car keys and finding that tax form I tried to file last week.
The Top 7 Moments In Soap Opera History
I have a long history with soap operas. From even before I can remember, I know that I watched soap operas. I came from a household with a working mother and a nanny as well as a region of the country with occasionally unbearably hot summers. In short, it was bound to happen.
In case you’re wondering, I’m an ABC girl. I can recount plot lines and family connections going back over 20 years from All My Children, One Life to Live and General Hospital without batting an eye. I gave Days a try for awhile in high school, but everything moved so slowly and then there was an actress playing four different parts, including a nun with terrible teeth, and I had to give it up.
My freshman year of college, as we were reviewing an essay of mine, a professor said, “Have you ever thought about being a writer?”
“Not unless it was a soap opera,” I thought, and I forgot about the whole conversation for another five years.
There were times I would have given my right eye for a column in Soap Opera Digest, but eventually I got to a point where I just couldn’t handle it all. It’s too long a story for most of you, but let’s just say that it began when they broke up Jon (who, yes, used to be my cell phone screen saver) and Natalie on One Life to Live and officially ended when they put Jason and Sam back together on General Hospital. I can’t remember the last time I watched a soap, and sadly, I don’t think I’ll go back. I like my couples strong (Joey and Pacey), and I like it when TV writers accept that certain people belong together no matter how many other relationships they have to explore (again, Joey and Pacey).
I also have two theories about soap operas: 1) Any man who has ever watched a wrestling match cannot bitch about soap operas. They’re basically the same thing, soaps just tend to have better acting (especially if you’re on ABC) and 2) Say as much as you want about groundbreaking television, but most social taboos have been broken on daytime long before they hit the prime time scene. Ryan Phillippe played a gay teen with AIDS on One Life to Live in 1992. That’s got quite a few years on Will and Grace or Glee (both of which I love before anyone gets too worked up).
This past week, I discovered that the website I worked for in Nashville finally came down. While this wouldn’t be that big of a deal to most people considering that the company itself dissolved in 2007, I’m feeling a little bit like I lost a year of my life. My writing samples from that time were on a computer that underwent a major virus attack and I barely survived the recovery process with my family photos and thesis work in tact. And, yes, I had time to take all of those samples off the web, but I just never quite got around to doing it. Of the 100 or so pieces I wrote while I worked there, I think I’ve gotten about 20 back.
(I’m throwing a pity party of one, but despite my own procrastination and role to play, losing any of my writing – no matter how bad – is hard for me. I never really thought “Cat Scratch Fever: Seven cat breeds perfect for your family” would launch my career, but I still miss it.)
Fortunately, for you and me, one of the many pieces I’ve been able to save is a list I wrote on soaps. (Like I’ve said before, I spent most of my early publishing career as your go-to gal for Top fill-in-the-blank lists.) So, without any further ado (Lord knows there’s been enough all ready), I give you my Top 7 Moments in Soap Opera History (with YouTube web links):
1. Katherine's Cosmetic Surgery
The Young and the Restless
In 1984, Katherine/Kay Chancellor (played by Jeanne Cooper, veteran actress and mother to actor Corbin Bernson) had her real-life face lift written into the storyline of the popular daytime drama The Young and the Restless. Cooper was filmed, bandages as all, as she had the surgery and recovered. This was the first time such a merging of fiction and reality occurred on television. Years later, in 1997, Linda Dano would follow Cooper's lead when she had her face lift procedure written into the storyline for her character, Felicia Gallant, on Another World.
2. Marlena's Possession
Days of Our Lives
In a storyline that was often mocked yet still fascinated viewers, Days of Our Lives took a page from The Exorcist when Dr. Marlena Evans' body was taken over by the devil in 1994 and 1995. During this time, Marlena (Deidre Hall) was prone to levitating and having her eyes turn green. Luckily, the love and priestly skills of Marlena's better super couple half, John Black, prove enough to save her from the dark side.
3. Erica's Visit to the Clinic
All My Children
In 1973, infamous soap character Erica Kane (Susan Lucci) was an up-and-coming model who found herself with a dilemma – her career was taking off, and she was pregnant. Unbeknownst to soap husband Jeff Martin, Kane decided to terminate the pregnancy, and the first legal abortion was addressed on daytime television. In 2005, history was made again when Josh Madden showed up in town, and it was revealed that the doctor who supposedly performed Kane's procedure in 1973 had actually transplanted her fetus to his wife who carried the baby to term. (That last medically-impossible part doesn't seem to leave much room for follow-up.)
4. Noah and Luke's Kiss
As the World Turns
Hot button social issues are nothing new to daytime. In 1987, a woman suffering from AIDS made her first appearance in Pine Valley on All My Children. In 1992 on One Life to Live, a gay male teen named Billy Douglas (portrayed by Ryan Phillipe) stirred things up in Llanview. All My Children made headlines again in 2003 when the first romantic kiss between female characters was aired. Yet, it wasn't until 2007 that As the World Turns made soap history with a lip lock between Luke Snyder (Van Hansis) and struggling-to-come-out-of-the-closet Noah Mayer (Jake Silbermann). Once you throw Noah's strict military dad into the mix, you've got the recipe for great daytime drama.
5. Luke and Laura's Wedding
General Hospital
True Luke and Laura fans have trouble picking out the top moment for the super couple that puts all other super couples to shame. These two have certainly had their lows – there's Luke's rape of Laura in 1979, the discovery of Laura's son by a Cassadine in 1996 and Luke's attempt to account for the rape to the couple's confused son, Lucky, in 1998. But, their highs are just as great – misadventures on the run from Frank Smith, the birth of Lulu, a reunion in 2006. Yet, the crowning moment for Luke and Laura will always be their 1981 nuptials. With millions of viewers and a cameo by Elizabeth Taylor, this moment in soap history is hard to beat.
6. Reva's Dip in the Fountain
Guiding Light
As the indomitable Reva Shayne Lewis on Guiding Light, Kim Zimmer has wowed audiences and taken home four daytime Emmy awards. Despite years of plot twists and turns, Zimmer is probably best known for a 1984 scene in which the actress stripped down to her skivvies for a dip on the patio of the country club where she "baptized" herself the "slut of Springfield." Zimmer's performance is incredible, but it's the combination of formal wear and biblical imagery that makes this moment truly special.
7. Karen's Testimony
One Life to Live
Some soap moments are great for their outlandishness; others feed our fantasies of love or comeuppance. And some captivate us for their humanity. Such is the case with the 1979 testimony of Karen Walek (Judith Light) on One Life to Live. Walek is married to kind-hearted, unsuspecting Dr. Larry, when she is forced, under oath, to admit her past as a prostitute. The cold-hearted drilling of the D.A. stands in stark contrast to the desperation and self-loathing of Light's character as she watches her world unravel before friends and family. Light's performance amazes, and this is a television moment that truly leaves the audience breathless.
I wasn't kidding about loving my soaps -- or my Judith Light.
A Crime Against Criminal Minds
Criminal Minds happens to be one of my favorite shows on television. Sure, it’s formulaic, and yes, the quotes read as the jet takes off each week can be a little cheesy, but I still love the show. (For those who don’t know, it’s about a special FBI team that profiles particularly hard to catch serial killers known as the BAU, Behavioral Analysis Unit.) Thomas Gibson, Paget Brewster, Shemar Moore and all the rest are welcome at my house any time.
(If you’re wondering how anyone with as much paranoia as I have can watch a show about serial killers every week, I’d like to remind you of two points, 1. I still can (barely) draw the line between reality and fantasy and 2. With Criminal Minds, I’m pretty much guaranteed that the bad guy(s) will get caught.)
The show also lets me indulge the fantasy part that I would be a great criminal profiler. I’ve always thought it would be awesome to be a cop with a desk job. No way, no how do I want to run after bad guys or face armed people, but the idea of solving crimes and putting together clues – awesome. Considering my occasionally obsessive mind, I think I’d be good at it. Criminal Minds has also led me to believe that the FBI employs PR people just to feed the right clues to the media. In my new role as a freelance PR person, I have decided this would also be a cool job although I doubt its existence.
Last year, during what I thought was one of the best seasons of Criminal Minds, I found myself crying and yelling “Aaron” at the TV screen (because obviously after five years together, Thomas Gibson’s character and I are clearly on a first name basis) as Agent Hotchner faced off against the man who had killed his wife. (The SO really thought I’d lost my mind on that one.) I’m also convinced Agent Prentiss and Agent Hotchner are totally in love with one another, but that’s another story for another day.
Spoiler Alert: So, considering my love of Criminal Minds, you can see why I’d be particularly wary whenever they introduce a new character (especially since they already had a great character in JJ before they let her go). Last week, said new character was introduced, and I am not happy.
My issue isn’t necessarily that they introduced a new character; I knew it was inevitable. My issue isn’t even that they introduced a new character who looks just like the old character they’re replacing. My issue is that the new character totally sucks as an FBI agent. Let’s examine:
The new agent was brought in because murders were happening in a gated community, and traits of all the supposed suspects were too homogenous. So, new character being – wait for it – the daughter of a serial killer, was coming in to identify traits in the families that might tip the team off as to who the killer was. She grew up with a serial killer, so she’d know what the daughter of another serial killer would act like. Makes sense, no?
As an aside, the fourth murder happens while the team has called together all of the community residents for a meeting about the murders. The woman who doesn’t go to the meeting gets killed. Note to everyone: if your neighborhood is being taken out one by one, don’t stay home alone while the police and FBI and EVERYONE YOU KNOW head to the local church for a briefing. There’ll be plenty of opportunities for peace, quite and “me” time once the psycho stalking your streets is caught.
Now, let me get back to our new agent. Instead of getting anywhere close to identifying the serial killer, she decides to settle her own demons and apologize to the family of one of the victims because she never got a chance to apologize to her father’s victims. So, without telling anyone or taking a firearm, she marches over to the house of the third victim.
Of course, the husband of the third victim also happens to be the serial killer, which means our supposedly brilliant and very-sensitive-because-of-her-dark-past agent not only can’t help identify the serial killer, she walks straight into his house. He even negotiates with her three times when she says “no,” and any Oprah viewer can tell you there’s trouble when a man turns a single “no” into the beginning of a negotiation.
How is she saved? Hotchner calls her cell phone and she doesn’t really answer his questions, so he, being a good profiler and FBI agent, goes in to save her butt.
Not only is she a terrible profiler, walking into the murderer’s house and all, but she probably got him killed because we all know that a normal Criminal Minds episode ends with a chase scene and Shemar Moore tackling the suspect. This one ended with the suspect being shot. Need I say more?
Then, our new agent spends the whole plane ride home crying about how tough it was and how she’ll never go out into the field alone, and unarmed, again.
Do you know what I’m crying over? The fact that a show built on the premise of incredibly perceptive and intelligent FBI agents solving the most difficult and disturbing crimes there are would allow this dolt as part of their team. For God’s sake, a bloodhound would do more for them than this kid.
It is my hope that we won’t see Miss Great-at-the-obstacle-course-but-really-clueless-about-everything-else again – unless the team decides to use her as bait during a sting. That I could get behind.