Laurel vs. Bear

I've heard about the bizarre antics and survival tips on Man vs. Wild for months, but it wasn't until this past weekend that I was able to witness the strange adventure for myself. (For those of you who don't know, Man vs. Wild revolves around a man -- hence the "man" part of the title -- who fends for himself and makes do with the worst of nature supposedly under the auspices of demonstrating how to stay alive when desperately lost in the outdoors -- i.e., "wild.")

I must say that I cannot imagine a man I have less in common with than Man vs. Wild host Bear Grylls. (Hey, even Bobby Knight and I both dislike Duke University.)

1. Bear enjoys dropping himself in the middle of nowhere. I can't imagine why I would ever need or want to be outside a safe radius and/or walking distance of a Krystal's or vending machine stocked to the gills with Diet Coke.

2.Bear eats stinging ants. Apart from the fact that ants hardly seem worth consuming because of their size (bird or boar, anyone?), why would you need to eat the stinging ants when I'm sure most jungles, deserts and forests are full of ants of all shapes and sizes? You could even branch out from ants to other bugs. If for some reason a baffling wilderness sprung up between me and the nearest Walgreen's, I'd much prefer making do on a meal of the debit card receipts in my wallet or even dirt for God's sake. 

3. If Bear didn't have enough water, he'd run into the brush full of deadly snakes and try to find the one non-poisonous leafy plant in a wall of terribly lethal shrubs. I'd take the dehydration.

4. Bear uses his pants as a flotation device, a pillow and a means of paddling a boat. The only use my pants serve -- apart from public decency -- is to remind me of how I've had far too many a meal at the Krystal's lately.

5. Bear chooses all of this despite being a television star with access to modern conveniences and a camera crew. If I had my own TV show, there'd be mimosas and french fries as refreshments -- not bear poop and my own urine.

(I also can't help but think that the Man vs. Wild cameramen can't love their jobs. In addition to having to leap over deadly creatures and stay out under the hot sun with a crazy man eating bat vomit, when Bear takes off his pants, he's never wearing anything underneath.

I imagine the internal monologue goes something like this: "Another day, another dollar, another moment of my life lost to the glare of Bear's exposed man parts.")

In short, I just can't relate to Man vs. Wild, and I think my first episode will probably be my last. It's back to Lifetime and shows where women talk to dead people for this gal.