Can You Neuter a Tree?: And Other Questions that Arise when I Dare to do Yard Work

In my yard, I have one tree. (I live on a smaller lot, so it's just the one.) And it is quite a lovely tree at that. It's tall with strong branches and lots of beautiful green leaves. This is a photo of my actual tree, and not something taken off the internet, so you can see for yourself how nice it is.

I imagine that a lot of people would like to have this tree.

And after years of renting, there was something very appealing about having my own tree. I've been thinking about getting one of those hammock chairs, but between the steep downward slope just past the trunk and my general aversion to bugs, it's seems like a recipe for disaster. (Laurel in Hammock Chair + Flying Bug = Laurel's wild swatting and ensuing fall down the hill)

But my tree provides nice shade, and in my attempts to live a greener lifestyle, I appreciate my tree for what it adds to the atmosphere. (That's oxygen, right? The tree takes in carbon dioxide and puts out oxygen? I don't think I paid attention in science class past the sixth grade, so my knowledge on these finer points of botany is pretty limited.)

The tree and I were all good until our first Spring together.

I had no idea that my tree reproduced by generating hundreds and hundred of spiky balls that are incredibly painful to the touch should you make the mistake of trying to pick one up, get hit in the face by one falling off the tree or just walk through the yard in anything less than steel-toed work boots and come within a 12-inch radius of one of the little suckers. 

After some googling careful research, I discovered that I have a chestnut tree, and these spiky balls are actually the protective cover of the chestnuts themselves. Now, I know what you're thinking. A chestnut tree? How lovely.

You can probably even hear Nat King Cole in your head singing about "chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

I'll tell you why those chestnuts are roasting on an open fire -- it's a preview of the hell fire they deserve for centuries of lodging painful spikes in puppy paws, unprotected feet and fingertips.

My yard is like a minefield of the worst splinters you've ever had.

Plus, when you live in the American South, the climate isn't right for chestnuts to ripen, so there's no payoff for all of the pain. 

And all this leads to my original question: Can you neuter a tree?

I like my tree immensely, I just don't want it to reproduce or go through "heat." (It'd be like having a baby but skipping the painful puberty years. In other words, perfection.) Without these spiky seed coverings, my tree, my yard, my dog and I could live in blissful harmony.

If you or someone you know has any info on the de-sexualization of trees, please let me know. My flip flop-clad feet and I can't take much more of this.