An Open Letter to the Women of Rock of Love and the Teachers of America

As we all know, I love reality television. I don't consider myself a cruel person, but I do love watching people make fools of themselves in front of cameras. And since no one these days can claim that they "didn't know what there were getting into" with any sort of reality program, I don't even feel bad about it.

To that end, I spent most of my Saturday watching Rock of Love 3 and Tool Academy. (I'll get to Tool Academy later, but if you are not watching this show, you are missing out. Nine men are in boot camp so that can stop being crappy boyfriends. One contestant even had two girlfriends, and they switched places on the show in one episode. I ask, what is more amazing: that this dude had two girlfriends who didn't seem all that fazed finding out about the other one or that both of this guy's girlfriends signed him up for something called Tool Academy? Feel free to discuss.)

Anyways, on Saturday's Rock of Love, Ashley (of the near-beehive hairdo) referred to Rock of Love as "an opportunity," and I had an epiphany: This is why teaching English is so important.

If Ashley understood the meaning of the word "opportunity," then maybe her life would have taken a different path.

You see, Ashley, an opportunity is usually considered a good thing. Ask around. Here's what dictionary.com had to say about opportunity: 1. an appropriate or favorable time or occasion; 2. a situation or condition favorable for attainment of a goal; 3. a good position, chance, or prospect, as for advancement or success.

Examples of opportunities include going to a good college, getting a job with a great starting salary and benefits or finding a mentor in your field of interest.

The chance to sleep with Brett Michaels is not an opportunity. It's a chance to get crabs but not an "opportunity." Let's not confuse the two. Other options that should not be considered "opportunities" are meeting a guy in the food court who says he can make you a star if you pose for a few "artsy" photos, keeping the car running while your boyfriend runs into a bank he does not have an account at and letting anyone borrow your kitchen for a project "you're better off not knowing about."

Opportunities will not involve taking off your clothes, playing in mud with other women or crystal meth.

Let's remember: opportunity = good = self-respect. In general, none of these terms will overlap with Brett Michaels, Flavor Flav or I Love Money in any way, shape or form.

And teachers of the world, hold your heads high. Your job may seem thankless, but your efforts could stop the next Ashley, Bikini Girl or New York from making a fool of themselves on national television.

Or, at the very least, you might keep one little girl from making out with a man with a weave.