The Missing

Every time an amber alert goes out or I see a missing persons bulletin, I, of course, think about the missing man, woman or child and his or her distraught family. But after I'm done worrying about what has happened to the poor soul and if he or she will ever be found, my thoughts always return to the same selfish, selfish notion: what pictures of me would my family post on television and fliers if I couldn't be found.

(I needlessly worry about what would be said about me if I ever died in a freak accident, too. I'm nice to my neighbors mainly because I don't want them telling some reporter "She was always walking that dog in a bathrobe and curlers" or "I never did see a man come around" should there be a tornado or flash flood. My friendliness on the block is about self-preservation and has nothing to do with block parties or borrowing sugar.)

Sure, if I was missing, my first concern should probably be rescue. And with my safety as the number one priority, you'd think that I'd want the most accurate and true-to-life photos out there. But I just can't have that many people seeing me without makeup, in velour pants, chowing down on a Krystal four pack.

(I haven't even mentioned the photos of myself that should never, ever, ever make the media rounds — nothing taken after midnight during my senior year of college, no pics from the summer I worked in a Mexican restaurant and devoured handfuls of fried tortilla on a daily basis and certainly nothing from the pixie cut years).

I can only think of a select handful of pictures incorporating good lighting and flattering angles of my very round face that I would want to have televised. (And they better get my weight from my driver's license and not the doctor's office.) While it might seem like these demands would hinder the search rather than help it, truth be told, I'm pretty sure people are more likely to look for an attractive girl than the one who might not have bathed in a week even under normal circumstances.

Plus, if my case made national news, I couldn't have Meredith Viera seeing what I wore for Halloween last year. It just wouldn't be right.

Picture with post is an example of what NOT to use when attempting to find a missing Laurel.