Better Late Than Never

There are few things I know how to do well. (I’ve often said that beyond writing, I’m only really qualified to run a bar. Plus, lately my pop culture knowledge is even slipping – Justin Bieber, Prince Poppycock and any American Idol from the last 5 years don’t even make the radar. Not even my irrelevant knowledge is what it used to be.)

However, one thing I do extremely well is read a receipt. I’ve been a dedicated shopper since near-birth and switched to a clothing allowance at 12 since my desire to spend time at the mall was far greater than my mom’s. I’m not only a dedicated shopper; I’m a dedicated bargain shopper.

I may have no memory of algebra or geometry, but I can calculate a discount and sales tax with no trouble whatsoever. Buy one, get one free (higher price prevailing)? Please. I’ll go through the line twice just to make sure I can save three extra dollars.

In other words, don’t hand this one a receipt and expect me not to know what’s up.

The other day, I went to Home Depot for the umpteenth time this week. (Again, if you learn nothing from this blog, a) never buy an old house and b) never renovate said old house. Unless, of course, you have the patience of saint, and I don’t. But, also, don’t let that “old house rule” of mine stop you from buying mine should you be interested.)

I needed one last cabinet for my kitchen, and I knew that the 20% off sale on pre-manufactured cabinets was ending shortly. Being the bargain hunter that I am, I sped down to the Home Depot for the last of my cabinet collection.

As I was checking out, I looked down at the electronic pad and noticed no “-20%, you saved $20.80” beneath the original price.”

“Did you remember the sale discount?” I asked (nicely, I might add).

“It’s automatically factored in.”

Now, again reviewing my limited knowledge base, a) sales prices are never factored in and b) having spent too much time at Home Depot, I know all sales associates have to scan the weekly sales bar code to get the right discounts.

“Are you sure about that?” I said. “I think you need the …”

“It’s already in there,” the clerk said, and she called up the next customer in line.

Not only has my personal budget been tighter lately, but I also have a little trouble letting things go. I looked down at the receipt as we were about to walk to the parking lot again and again.

“This just isn’t right,” I said.

Fortunately, the SO knows all too well my tendency to obsess.

“And this is like $20,” I went on.

“Do you want to go back in?”

“No, it’s OK,” I said. “I’m fine.”

“Do you want to go back in?” he asked again. Sighing. (We had a bet going about how much time he was going to have to spend helping me at Home Depot, and I was already over my time limit by about five minutes.)

Almost before he had finished the question, I ran to the back of the store, checked the original price of the cabinet, ran back to the front of the store and beckoned him over to the customer service desk. (Once you cross me at the Home Depot, I will not deal with you again. Sadly, this severely limits who I can and cannot interact with at Home Depot.)

My new clerk did a return on the cabinet, and then ran it back up (making sure to scan the sheet of weekly specials). I could finally leave with my new cabinet and kicky savings.

Is this the most interesting story I’ve ever told? No. But, that’s what happens when you start renovating a home. (One of my friends keeps asking when I get a walker for all the stories I have to tell about Home Depot, Lowe’s and salvage home emporiums.)

But, at least you can all rest assured that while my pop culture knowledge and personal hygiene are slipping, I’m still razor sharp when it comes to getting my deals. Today’s agenda – searching for overstock tile. Try not to spend the entire weekend on the edge of your seat.