Unsolicited Advice

I am not a fan of unsolicited advice. At 30, I still have a lot in common with a three-year-old -- the fastest way to get me to do something is to tell me that you think I should do the opposite. Tell me new houses are so much more trouble- and maintenance-free? I'll have purchased a 1928 bungalow "full of character and charm" by the end of the day. Suggest the blue top? I'll buy red. "Tell me" to do anything from changing the oil in my car every 3,000 miles to putting more acai berry in my diet? I think not.

When I'm talking, I usually just want to talk. And if I'm not talking, I don't have anything to say. Rarely, unless specifically stated, do I ever want advice/help/aid on what to do next. Unless there's an open manhole involved, I have to find it out for myself.

That being said, of the wisdom given to me by others, these tidbits have been, by far, the most helpful:

On Food:

"Everyone should know how to make a good sandwich." -- My grandfather

Supposedly,my grandfather thought that there were two keys to success in life.Unfortunately, the only one anyone can remember involves making a goodsandwich. (Hopefully, this blog will at least keep future generationsfrom forgetting all of what he tried to pass on.) The Mills don't makesimple ham and cheese sandwiches. We love our condiments. We addhorseradish and roasted red pepper to the mix. We line toasted breadwith hummus. Don't even show me a Kraft single with iceberg letter ifyou expect me to take you seriously -- or eat.

On relationships:

"No matter what, never say a bad word about a friend's boyfriend. Even if they break up. You never know who's going to get married to who, and the odds are your friend will dump you long before she dumps the boyfriend." -- My Mom

It's just true. And unless your friend has an abusive or crack-addicted boyfriend, you just swallow whatever it is you might want to say. Swallow, swallow, swallow. Because no matter how much you may despise a friend's partner, you love your friend more, and the only way to ensure that you get to stay in his or her life is to play nice with the romantic partner.

"Why do you care that he has a new girlfriend? All that means is that he found someone willing to accept what you already decided you were too good for. He didn't become the magical, wonderful boyfriend that you dreamed of overnight for her. He's the exact same boyfriend you had. He's just with her now." -- A college friend

When my first love and I broke up, I was devastated. I remember torturing myself with images of the romantic dinners, thoughtful gifts and kind words he showered her with that I never got. Then my friend Sylvie stepped in, and she helped me realize that the new girl wasn't dating the perfect version of my old boyfriend; she was just dating my old boyfriend. Most likely, she just had a higher tolerance for watching frat boys play video games while shotgunning beers.

The same applies to most old boyfriends, so that day I learned to be careful with the torture and the nostalgia.

On Happiness:

"The fastest route to unhappiness is trying to make everyone else happy." -- The manager of the Mexican restaurant I worked in after my freshman year of college

We all know this one doesn't work. Make yourself happy because otherwise you'll either constantly fail or exhaust yourself trying.

"Trying to be perfect won't make you happy. There's no prize at the end for making it through with the fewest mistakes." -- Another friend

No mortal I know of has reached perfection, so trying to be the one person that does is pretty much as exhausting as trying to make everyone happy. It took a lot of work, but I learned to embrace my vulnerabilities. And what comes with vulnerability? Relativity and intimacy. I'll take those, and knowing I'm liked just the way I am, over perfection any day.

On Self-Esteem:

"Just go ahead and think of the world like this: one third of the people are going to love you. Another third is going to hate you. And the last third just doesn't give a damn." -- A colleague from my first "real" job"

This one kind of goes along with my happiness advice, but sometimes I have to remember that, no matter what I do, I'll never be loved by everyone. It also helps me remember that maybe I shouldn't be in all this to please others, that maybe pleasing myself is that aloof enough. Hell, at least two billion people are never going to pay attention anyway.

On Myself:

"I'm not going to tell you what to do because the very fact that you're asking means that you haven't figured it out yet. I know you'll figure it out." -- My father

Of course, it's the natural conclusion when you spend your entire life dismissing what anyone else has to say, but now I can't get advice to save my life. Unless diaper rash or the perfect pie is involved, it should probably stay that way. We all have to find our own path and stumbling is just part of the journey. Plus, I do think I'm supposed to be a grown-up now, which means owning my life and picking for myself. Whatever that may be.

How about y'all? Any great advice or particularly meaningful words out there? I'll have to cover horrendous advice ("The key to a good marriage is accepting he'll have a woman in every port") in some future post, so please save those stories for later. I'm sure we'll find some doozies.