Why I'm a Bad Person

I like to eavesdrop. I can’t help it. It comes down to two simple facts:

1. I’m nosy.

2. Judging other people makes me feel better about myself.

I could pretend there were other reasons. When I started taking writing classes, one exercise that was supposed to help us learn to write dialogue involved eavesdropping on strangers and writing down their conversations. I could tell you that exercise got me hooked. That afterwards, I couldn’t go back. But, truthfully, I’ve always loved to eavesdrop. People are fascinating, and there is some stuff that you can’t make up. On that note, here are the two best conversations I’ve overheard as of late:

“How are things with Claire?” Person #1 says.

“Awesome,” Person #2 says.

“Did I hear you two were living together?”

“Yeah, we are.”

“How’s that going?”

“It’s great. It’s really great. Except for her bitch of a roommate that is.”

“What’s wrong with the roommate?” Person #1 says.

“Oh, you know,” Person #2 says. “She’s single, and she doesn’t like me being around, so she can be kind of difficult.”

“Well, you’re paying rent, right?”

“No, I don’t pay rent.”

“Oh,” Person #1 says.

“But, I mean I pay for everything else. Like food and where we go at night.”

“That’s cool,” Person #1 says. “So, I guess you pay utilities?”

“Nah,” Person #2 says, “I don’t pay utilities.”

“Have you thought about offering?”

“I mean, I’ve thought about it,” Person #2 says, “but that just seems so official.”

Note to stranger: You are not living with your girlfriend; you are free-loading and I’m totally on the bitchy roommate’s side.

Conversation #2:

“Hey, is Wall Street Journal two words or three?” Person #1 says.

“Two words,” Person #2 says.

(I won’t lie, as an English major and former editor, I was dying a little on the inside here. I mean, I live and die by spell check, but come on?!?! It’s also really hard for me not to intervene -- shock of shocks -- but then, of course, I would have given away the fact that I was eavesdropping.)

There is a long pause.

“Actually, I just looked it up on the Internet, and Wall Street Journal is three words,” Person #1 says.

“Really?”

“Yep, I just looked it up.”

There is another long pause.

“You know why I said it was two words,” Person #2 says. “I was thinking of Wall Street the movie … Wall Street is only one word in the movie.”

Note to stranger #2: Yes, because a movie named for an actual place, that is a street, would be one big word. In fact, that's one of the reasons New York City is such a crazy place, unlike the rest of us in "real" America, their street names are all one word. On my own trip there, I visited Fifthavenue, Madisonavenue and Wallstreet. It was a crazy time.

It’s overhearing stuff like this that reminds me why I have to get out of the house. Without such nonsense, I’d be a shut-in who gathered all of her information from Wikipedia and made all of her meals from Papa John’s cheese sticks in no time. (Wait a second …)