New Year, Same Me
I'm not much for New Year's Resolutions. Since I tend to find enough fault with myself as is, I prefer not to set myself up for failure with half-hearted proclamations that usually result from peer pressure. I've seen plenty of commercials for gyms, Nutri System and Wii Fit in the weeks leading up to today, but I don't think targeted ads and social norms are enough to bring about the will power I've lacked for the past 30 years. (Plus, chocolate-covered cherries are still half-price at Wal-Mart, and there aren't enough marketing dollars and judgmental stares for me to fight that kind of temptation.)
I also think the world is too hard on vices. Everything in moderation, as they say. Plus, I can't help but think the occasional vice -- whether it's a cocktail or some celebrity gossip -- keeps us all sane. I worked for a woman who did not drink, smoke, gamble or eat meat. She was one of the meanest and most difficult women I've ever known. If you ask me, a cheeseburger and a martini would have made all of our lives far better.
It's not that I don't think about self-improvement, I just prefer to do it in a different way. For example, I've spent the last year or so of my life working on approval. In the past couple of years, I've realized that there isn't an amount of praise that's enough for me.
If someone says that a story I wrote is "good," I want to know why they didn't use "great." If it's "great," I want to know why it wasn't "awesome." And if it's "the best work they've ever read and they bow down to me as the next great literary genius," I figure they're lying and trying to make me stop asking questions. (Not that the last comment has ever happened, but I wanted to paint a clear picture.)
If I hear 99 positive comments about my work or self and one negative comment, I only remember the negative comment. So, I decided that if others' approval was never going to do it for me, I should probably start cultivating my own.
Of course, this kind of attitude doesn't make everyone happy. People love to offer thoughts and advice because it makes them feel important, and if you've ever gone from a period of serious self-doubt to one of assurance or attempted self-confidence, you know how easily this can enrage those who were avoiding their own issues by taking care of yours. Luckily for me (?), upsetting people right off the bat was a great way to test my commitment to this notion of looking inside rather than outside for approval and self-worth.
It's been a good leg of the journey, but it's far from over. Next on my list: not comparing myself to others. And I'm sure that one's going to be a doozy. Hopefully I'll be ready for it by 2011.
But, back to the subject of New Year's resolutions. I was fine without having any sort of list this year, and I figured I'd just excuse myself to the bar whenever the subject came up at cocktail parties. Then, the SO and I climbed into the car:
SO: Got any New Year's resolutions for 2010?
Me: Not really. I'm not so much into that kind of thing.
SO: Would you like me to help you with your New Year's resolutions?
Me: I'd rather you not suggest areas of improvement for me. Unless, of course, you're planning on being single in the New Year.
He quickly relented. But, in the spirit of compromise to the SO and the world, I decided to cave anyway. I now give you my non-half-hearted New Year's resolutions:
1. Get a full-time job. For obvious reasons -- benefits and direct deposit being right at the top of the list.
2. Finish the manuscript for my children's book. It's only five years in the works; I'd rather not make it more than six.
3. Work on a proposal for my knitting book. When traditional publishing doesn't go your way, the wanting-to-be-published go non-traditional. Or something like that. Maybe?
4. Get the cat to pee in a litter box.
5. Deal with the series finale of Lost without some sort of post-partum-like depression. This will be far easier said than done.
I wish y'all the best in 2010! Thanks for reading! I really do appreciate each and every one of you.