How To Say No*
At a recent career development event, I got into a discussion about how hard it is to say “no,” and what came out of this conversation is that I’m a “no” loving Goblin that will go to her grave shouting, “Nope! ! I’m not interested. Not for me!”
But seriously, I love to say “no.” Now, this wasn’t always the case. I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s saying “yes” to things I didn’t want to do because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and it made me exhausted and resentful.
And no one wanted that — not me, not my host, not the bartender serving me glasses of wine because I drank to better pretend like I wanted to be there. But, I did it anyway because I put “yes” and “should” together, and that was a toxic combination that made me beholden to everyone else’s needs before my own.
In my 40s, I say “no,” and, I won’t lie, it’s amazing.
So in the interest of turning you all into ghouls that will admit they’d rather stay home and read their book, here’s how I learned to say “no.”
1. Start with the small stuff.
Have you ever been the only woman in a meeting, so someone asks you to get coffee?
Yeah. Start by saying “no” to that stuff.
Not a woman and/or never asked to get coffee? Here are some other easy things to say “no” to as you get the ball rolling: Do you want new windshield wipers with your oil change? Would you like to upgrade your single purchase to a monthly subscription? Do you want to make that hamburger a combo meal? Would you like to apply for the in-store credit card? Do you have a moment to hear how multi-level marketing can change your life?
(If you notice a theme, there’s a hidden benefit of greater financial freedom when you start saying “no,” too.)
Practice saying “no” to the things that annoy you, and see if you don’t end the day less irritated than before.
2. Move on to the medium and big stuff.
If you’re like me, there’s stuff you’ve been wanting to say “no” to for a very long time, but people-pleasing or obligation or guilt has been holding you back.
Well, there’s no time like the present to start unleashing that “no.” Are you the least enthusiastic and poorest prepared assistant coach on your kid’s soccer team? Maybe it’s time to let that one go.
Have you been waking up early to grab donuts for the office, and it makes you cranky? Are you on at least one committee that you dread? Do you have a “volunteer” gig that isn’t driven by passion, but by a thought that you “should” do this?
You can say “no” to all of that, and the world will keep spinning, I promise. Sometimes it helps to imagine life like that scene in Jerry Maguire when Jerry quits, makes a huge speech about his reasons, and immediately afterward, the whole office goes right back to what they were doing.
When you say “no,” people will figure out a way to go on without you. (If the thought of this terrifies you, it’s a great time to examine why you keep saying “yes.”)
The flip side is that you will go on without that activity or task, too. As Donald Miller says in Business Made Simple, saying “no” to what you don’t care for allows you greater freedom to say “yes” to the stuff you really want to do. So if you don’t like saying “no” because we’ve been conditioned to believe that makes us helpful or team players, don’t think of it as saying “no,” think of it as saying “yes’ to the things you really care about.
3. Become drunk with your newfound power. (Kidding, not kidding.)
Saying “no” can be pretty intoxicating because when you do it right, you’re listening to yourself and not all the other voices that claim they know better than you how to spend your time, energy, and resources.
And as someone told me recently, “you at your most you is liberating.” Use this power wisely.
When you say “no,” you free yourself up to spend time on the stuff you really care about — like your goals, hopes, and dreams. You can stretch and grow and help people because you care about helping, not because you think Joanne won’t like you if you can’t find more items for the PTO’s silent auction.
There are lots of good and valid reasons to say “no,” and the truth is that you don’t owe anyone your reasons for turning them down. As Glennon Doyle says, “ The most revolutionary thing a woman can do is not explain herself.”
If you want to give someone a reason why you said no, that’s your call, but I prefer the sentiment that “no” is a complete sentence.
Some people (notice I said “some,” not “most”) will be mad when you start saying “no.” This is OK — and should be expected — because those people are not your people. If someone primarily likes you because you never say “no,” they don’t actually like you, they like what you can do for them.
Truthfully, I got better at saying “no” as I had children and took on more and more responsibility at work. I can’t let those precious, precious babies watch all the Henry Danger episodes that they want or consume Oatmeal Cream Pies at every meal, so “no” is necessary.
And when it comes to work, if I have a vision, and I know what we need to do to execute that vision, I have to say “no” to anything that makes me take my eye off the ball.
I say “no” at home because I love my children, and I say “no” at work because I respect myself and my abilities.
Saying “no” is the ultimate self-care. Embrace it.
*Or “No, Thank You.” “No” isn’t inherently rude, but if it feels that way, try a “no, thank you.”