3 Things I Learned During My Pandemic Pregnancy
All things pandemic and 2020 and pregnancy tend to share lots of highs and lows. So before we delve into some of the things I learned after finding out I was pregnant, at 40, in a global pandemic, I wanted to say that I know many people would love to be pregnant or have a baby and can’t, and there are many people that lose pregnancies and babies and face immeasurable grief.
When I talk about the highs and lows of pregnancy, it is not to detract from any of those experiences or say that I don’t know how lucky I am. It’s simply to say that this was my experience, and any experience can be both beautiful and awful. Nothing has to be all or nothing (although it certainly can be, like all trips to the dentist are miserable). Some things are no fun before you see the beauty, and some things are beautiful until the pain comes.
That being said, I have a few notes on my own pandemic pregnancy.
- Shipt Shoppers are Angels That Walk Among Us
We were probably almost two weeks into full-blown lockdown when I realized that the smell of salad dressing was really offensive to me. Like REALLY offensive.
Fun fact: Before I knew I was pregnant with my first child, the smell of chicken was so intolerable to me that I insisted on throwing it away outside — the inside trash can was just not good enough at containing the odor. My husband later told me that my chicken drama made him suspect I was either pregnant or crazy, and he was glad I wasn’t crazy.
I decided that I might need a pregnancy test, and since we were in the throws of a pandemic and all, I added that item to my grocery delivery for the week.
Thank heavens for the brave angels that delivered groceries during COVID. I was already a nervous wreck, and the idea of being pregnant at 40, when the risks are greater, had me extra worked up. But my amazing Shipt shopper delivered my pregnancy test — seemingly without judgment. I wiped that sucker down with Clorox and went about my business.
The same Shipt shopper picked up my next order, too. This one had prenatal vitamins included.
I tried to tip well (but stopped short of writing “welcome to our journey”) to show my gratitude.
2. My OB/GYN’s Office Has a Really Nice Couch
The first ultrasound of pregnancy is always nerve-racking. You hope they find a strong heartbeat and waiting to hear that sound is intense. (I also know that for many people, this ultrasound is one of heartbreak and grief, and I see you.) For me, that first ultrasound is second only to the anatomy scan for prenatal tests that do a number on my nerves.
As I was lying there, trying to get comfortable on the fake leather table covered in paper that is never actually comfortable, the ultrasound tech said, “I have a surprise for you.”
I said, “No, you don’t.”
“Wait until you see!”
“No thank you.”
There’s a quote that says there are only two things in life no one is prepared for — twins.
I am, of course, blessed to have two new, healthy babies in my family, but that doesn’t mean that finding out about their existence for the first time wasn’t a bit of a shock.
When you find out you’re having twins (or I imagine getting any other unexpected news), you also find out about a whole new expanse of the doctor’s office where you can lie down comfortably and take time to process.
There are spots that are more comfortable than those faux-leather, paper-covered exam tables.
And while it’s nice to know that they exist, I also hope I never see them again.
3. I Don’t Need Alcohol as Much as I Thought I Did
At one point during this crazy year, I looked at my husband and said, “I’m trapped in this house by the pandemic, I’m trapped in this body by pregnancy, and I’m trapped in my head by anxiety. I want out.”
To his immense credit, he handled that really well because I’m pretty sure my tone was terrifying, and his response was very calm and assuring even if I don’t remember the actual words.
Normally, I’d let a glass (or bottle) of wine deal with all of those icky feelings, but I didn’t have that as an option. As the pandemic dragged on (with no seeming end in sight), I realized I wasn’t going anywhere, and neither were my issues, so I was going to have to figure something out. There was no amount of cookies or shopping to hide anymore. (Trust me! I tried to shop it all away! At one point, I’m pretty sure I wanted to purchase all of Amazon and Target. Thank God for credit limits.)
There are ways in which these twins probably saved my life, and not being able to drink during a pandemic is one of them.
I know we say it all the time, but I think it bears repeating because we’ve all been through a lot: 2020 was hard y’all. Damn hard. In addition to worrying about our health and the health of those we loved, there was economic hardship and uncertainty, shortages of necessities like toilet paper, communities fighting amongst themselves (I have a whole novel in me about what became of the school board meetings in my old neighborhood), and October. Do we all remember October? News seemed to break every hour. There were debates and COVID diagnoses and Supreme Court confirmation hearings. I swear October 2020 was a whole year in non-pandemic times.
And through it all, I was stuck with me and none of my usual distractions.
I thought I would want ALL THE WINE as soon as I delivered the babies, but I didn’t. Somewhere in the pregnancy that I counted down by the day, I had started to cope.
(I’d like to be clear about a couple of things here: 1) By “started to cope,” I mean “put into practice years of mechanisms and habits I’d learned from friends, family, books, and therapists.” 2) I got a new psychiatrist who also changed my life by putting me on an antidepressant that isn’t an SSRI for the first time in my almost 20 years as a medicated person. Finding a trusted partner to help you with your brain chemistry matters.)
Now I can have a glass of wine at night because I want it, and not because I need it. It’s not something that I’ll say works for everyone, but it works for me right now. And if it stops working, I’m open to pausing and re-evaluating what I need to do. Because I’ll also say this about living through a pandemic — I learned that we can try different things or need different things at different points in our lives.
I’ve always been naïve in thinking (or hoping) that maybe you can do things once and then call it a day. I overcame my fear of spiders! I crushed my feelings! I feel loved! I thought that once you did the thing, you’d be fixed and never have to deal with that particular issue or insecurity again.
But life is really a bunch of things you have to pursue and do over and over again — more feelings, finding balance, effing exercise. Life is more about brushing your teeth than graduating college, and by that I mean, yes, the big milestones matter but how you do the small tasks that make up your daily life have a much more direct impact on your wellbeing and peace of mind.
And I really don’t like brushing my teeth.
But I can also have flashes, like the other night at the soccer field, when the sun was right and it was warm but not too hot, and my older children were playing together, and my babies were smiling, and I knew we were in a great moment. I’m just going to keep trying to have as many great moments as I can, without judging them or worrying about how long it will last and when the next one will be. I’m just going to hold on to the moment, and keep the faith that there will be more, and hope that that’s enough.
After a year of daily dread, those moments feel like more than enough.