R-Rated Souvenirs

Piglet I’m not always up to date on the latest lingo and certain slang terms. If you text me any short hand other than LOL or OMG, I’m completely lost. I have recently added IDK (I don’t know) and IRL (in real life) to my vocabulary, but for the longest time I thought an IDK just meant someone had probably been drinking and was having trouble spelling.

Despite my wide range of friends, sub-sets of society with their own terms also tend to be beyond me. (It took me two years, and extensive questioning, to grasp “emo.”)

When I was living in Chicago for the summer, I lived a few blocks north of Wrigley Field and not far from Boystown, a well-known area for gay men. (According to Wikipedia, it was the first recognized gay village in the United States. I’ve learned something new today.) One day, there was a street fair in Boystown, and a friend and I were off to enjoy the festivities. The primary highlight of the day had been a Menudo/Spice Girls style group singing in matching white outfits with different colored sash belts (to represent all the colors of the gay rainbow) until I spotted a carnival game.

A couple of men were standing next to rows of plastic pigs. For a dollar, you could purchase rings to toss around the pigs, and if you rung one, you could choose between some prizes. Condoms were free just for participating, but what I really wanted was this adorable little pig keychain. The booth was sponsored by Steamworks, which I assumed was some kind of gym.

“Can I please borrow a couple of dollars?” I begged of my friend since I never carry cash.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he said.

“Of course I’m sure,” I said. “Look how adorable those pigs are.”

I think it took more than a couple of dollars, but I finally got one of those rings around a pig and got my keychain. I was also decked out in some free beads and condoms for my patronage.

Wearing my beads proudly, my friend and I continued our walk through the street festival, until my friend couldn’t hold his laughter in anymore.

“Did you know what Steamworks is, Laurel?”

“Something fitness-related?” I said.

“It’s a bathhouse.”

“Oh.” Suddenly, I was not so sure about the logo stamped on the keychain I adored so much.

“And did you happen to notice the name of the game?”

“The game had a name?”

“It was written in big letters,” he said. “Give a pig a pearl necklace?”

“Uh-huh.” This meant nothing to me. I knew the “pearl necklace” part did not reference jewelry thanks to having gone to high school, but it still wasn’t clicking for me.

Then, my friend leaned in and whispered what it all meant.

“Oh,” I said again.

“I just thought you should know,” he said, before feeling free to really laugh out loud.

I looked down at my beads that had a medallion reading, “I gave a pig a pearl necklace at Steamworks.”

“I think I’ll take these off now,” I said.

“I thought that might be the case.”

I still have the beads and keychain because, let’s be honest, it’s not like I’ll have another chance to get such unique mementos, but I don’t wear them out and about. And if clueless-ness provides you with endless entertainment, I’m clearly your gal for all sorts of adventures. 

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The End Of An Era And A Day of Mourning

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The Birds And The Bees