The Problem With Prison
One of the big debates the Significant Other [SO] and I had while in San Francisco was whether or not to visit Alcatraz. The SO had been before and wasn't sure he wanted to go back. I'd never been but could leave it off my list should, say, shopping and/or food options take greater priority. (Pan-fried gnocchi? Yes, please.) Plus, we reasoned that we'd see Alcatraz plenty from our ferry trips to Vallejo and Sausalito.
But, the more time we spent in San Francisco, and the more times I saw America's toughest prison looming across the bay, the more I realized that I really did want to visit. The outside wasn't enough; I needed photos of myself in a cell. Needed them, I tell you.
So, we went to Alcatraz. And I'll tell you the biggest lesson I learned from our visit: I would not fare well in prison.
Sure, sure, it seems pretty obvious -- I'm not a joiner and my reflexes are frighteningly slow -- but I was still surprised by how many aspects of prison life would present major problems for someone such as myself. (Although I guess that is the point. Crime deterrent accomplished.) I give you my list of the scariest things about life in the big house:
1. The bathroom situation. I don't like for people to be able to hear me pee. And you're highly unlikely to get me to admit that I do anything other than pee in the bathroom -- ever. In college, when faced with group bathrooms on coed floors, I always spent the first day of the new semester seeking out the handicapped restrooms because they were solitary and private. There's not much of a chance I'd be OK using the bathroom in my cell with no door, no curtain and the constant patrolling of guards. Oh, the horror. If I were locked up, there probably wouldn't need to be a suicide watch because the backed-up kidneys would get me first.
2. Meal time. Where to sit? Who to sit with? Will someone try and take my lunch? Junior high was tough enough, and that seating didn't involve quite the same level of group allegiance and potential repercussions. The worst thing that happened when you were the least popular kid at our school lunch tables was a half hour of mockery followed by having to be the one who wiped down the table after wards -- no shanks or payback in the recreation yard. What if I sat with the wrong gang? Got in front of a particularly angry person in line? Will I make friends/allies/people willing to stand between me and a taser? I'm sure the stress alone would lead to gastrointestinal issues, and then I'd be back to concern #1. (What a vicious, vicious cycle!) Add emaciation to the list of worries about what would happen to me in prison.
3. Group showers. Need I really say more? I haven't seen myself naked from behind in three years. (I didn't like what was happening back there -- I swear my ass used to have much better positioning -- so I just decided to stop looking.) I certainly don't want other people seeing me without clothes on. And sharing hot water? I grew up with two sisters and one bathroom, and I thought that was bad. What can I really say? I'm weak, and I don't mind admitting it.
4. Solitary. Some people enjoy being alone with their thoughts. I'm not one of them. I watched a movie about 12-hour silent Zen meditations once. The film was billed as a documentary. I saw it as a horror movie. I need to talk, I need noise and I need distractions. There's only one time I would want solitary, and that's covered in #1. When my mind is left to roam, something like this happens: What a pretty bridge. I wonder how long it took to build that bridge. It would be hard to be an engineer. I wonder what kind of grades that engineer had. Do you think they accepted the lowest bid for contractors? There are a lot of cars on the bridge. Did they know that many cars would travel on the bridge at once? Are state inspectors well-paid? Maybe they take bribes. DEAR GOD THAT BRIDGE IS GOING To COLLAPSE! No. Thank. You.
Since the cell, meals and other inmates tends to cover all aspects of prison life, I'm pretty much out. I will do my best to stay on the straight and narrow. I'm also happy to report that we did get what I hope will be our only behind-bars photos.