What the Heck

I'm not sure whether or not I believe in a hell. I grew up Methodist and Episcopalian, and truth be told, even if I remembered the views of those two churches on the subject, it probably wouldn't matter much. I tend to like to make up my own mind. (I have issues with authority. I really can't imagine this as coming as much of a surprise.) I also attended a Catholic university, and even though I'm very sure where it stands on the issue, I also tend to disagree with the Catholic church. Stances on womens' roles and birth control are only the beginning of our failure to see eye to eye.

The bottom line is that my theology can be somewhat fluid, and I'm not always sure eternal damnation fits in with my conviction/hope of a benevolent God.

Despite my somewhat ambivalent stance on possibilities for the afterlife, I am fond of using the phrase "that sounds like my idea of hell." This started as a way to let friends know which activities I was and was not interested in participating in, e.g. "I'm in for the Ryan Adams concert but The Creed show sounds like my idea of hell." With time though, the phrase has really come to encompass what I do and don't value in this world.

(Also, if there was a hell, I kind of do think it'd be personally tailored, almost like a "Far Side" cartoon -- James Frey would be in a never-ending Oprah interview while Rush Limbaugh would find himself mute and unable to change the channel from "The Daily Show.")

So, I give you just a few of the items in my idea of hell:

1. A crowd. I do think if I had to go to hell it would be crowded -- most people I know like their cocktails and profanity -- but this makes the list because of how much I dislike crowds. More specifically, my idea of hell would be a spandex-clad Six Flags crowd constantly jostling one another to get closer to a corn dog that never materializes.

2. A drum circle. Drum circle. Ivy League acapella group. Barbershop quartet. Call it what you want, but amateur music performed with way too much gusto just doesn't work for me.

3. Conference calls. If you've ever been on one, you know what I mean. Each one already feels like an eternity, I can't even imagine the rage I'd feel if they actually were.

4. "Vanilla Sky." I disdain this movie. I used to stand in front of it in the video store and beg people not to waste two hours of their life. I considered it a public service -- my roommate considered it "an embarrassment." In my hell, it'd play on rotation with "Cold Creek Manor" and "Fear Dot Com."

5. The Gosselins.

If you're weird like me and spend any mental energy on the same subject, please let me know what makes your idea of hell in the comments.