Sketch Comedy

A few summers ago, while I was living in my inflatable apartment in Chicago, I took some sketch comedy writing classes as part of the adult one-week immersion classes at Second City. It was ridiculously fun, and I think it helped me have a better grasp of plot. 

You also never know what you'll come up with when left entirely to your own devices. Since I mainly write nonfiction, few aliens, zombies or ninjas show up in my work. With pure fiction, anything can happen. That being said, I give you my out-of-context sketch:

"The Trainee"

CAROL: (Waving offstage.)OK, kids, just go on up tothe register. Enjoy your new furry friends!

MITCH: (ApproachingCarol.)Alright, Carol, at two wehave the Jennifer Thompson birthday party. Then, at four, we have Joey Miller’sshebang. And, we round it out at six with Sarah Champion’s party. They’re allbringing their own cakes, but you’re going to have to cut and serve, as usual.

CAROL: Look, Mitch, like I’ve toldyou before, I can’t handle all of these hours. I’ve already been thrown up ontwice today. You have to hire somebody else to help out on the weekends.

MITCH:Carol, I’ve listened toyour complaints. I really have.

CAROL: Oh, really? Well, what haveyou done about it?

MITCH: Actually, I’ve hiredsomebody new, and as soon as you train him, you can start spending more time atthe register and less time on birthday parties.

CAROL: That’s great, Mitch. Youknow I really appreciate that. I’m actually really excited...

MITCH: (over)Why don’t you come onover ... (Beckonsoffstage. Genghis enters.)Carol, I’d like you to meetGenghis Khan. Genghis, this is Carol.

CAROL: Uh, hi Genghis. It’s niceto meet you.

GENGHIS: (Grunting.) Good concubine.

CAROL: Excuse me?

MITCH:Well, now that you two areacquainted, I’ll leave you guys to get to it. Good luck Genghis.

CAROL:Well, I guess we’ll start withthe animal selection ... (Carolturns her back on Genghis while she gestures to the wall ofun-stuffed animals.) Some of these animals areincluded in the normal price, like the smaller teddy bears, and some of themare considered “premium” animals.

GENGHIS: (WhileCarol has her back to Genghis, he is digging through the boxof stuffing and triumphantly lifting fistfuls of it.)Infidels!

CAROL: (Turningback around.) Are you following me? (Genghis grunts excitedly,still holding his fistfuls of stuffing.) No, no, no, Genghis. One ofthe first rules of Build-A-Bear is that we never, ever play with the stuffingunless we are actually building a bear. (Genghis hangs his head in shame and drops the stuffingback into the big box.)

CAROL: (Turningher back again.) But, since you like thestuffing so much, I guess we could skip ahead to actually stuffing the bears ... (Carol isgently stuffing a bear.) Now, you want the bears tobe firm, but not un-huggable. And we also make sure to give all of the animalsa heart while we’re stuffing them ... (Genghis is stuffing hisbear violently, continually shoving his fist into the bear, so that he lookslike he’s stabbing it.) (Turningback around.) Do you need a heart foryour bear?

GENGHIS: (Grunting while still stabbing his bear.) The rivers will run withblood!

CAROL: Oh! No, no, no, no, noGenghis. Build-A-Bear is a gentle place. A place of love. One of our other veryimportant rules is not to scare the children. And violent stuffing techniquestend to do that. (Genghishangs his head in shame and grunts softly.) Don’t get too discouraged.Hopefully the third time’s the charm. (Carolturns back to the wall.) Now, once the bear isstuffed, the children might want to dress it up in any of the clothes or otheraccessories we offer.

GENGHIS: (Genghis rips the stuffedhead off of his bear, puts it on a stick in front of him, and nodsapprovingly.) Victory is mine!

CAROL: (Turningback around.) Oh my God! What have youdone?

GENGHIS: (Genghis grunts happily.)Conquered the enemy?                                  

(Mitchenters.)

MITCH: What’s going on over here?

CAROL: (Gesturestowards the bear head on a stick.) I’m sorry, Mitch, but thisjust isn’t working out.

MITCH: OK, OK, I was afraid ofthis. Look, Genghis, I know you gave this a shot, but I just don’t think thatBuild-A-Bear is the right place for you.

GENGHIS: These things happen. (Genghis hangs his head,grunts, shrugs his shoulders, and walks offstage.)

CAROL: Well, what do we do now?

MITCH: Don’t worry yet, Carol. Ihad a back-up in case the training didn’t go well ... (Beckonsoffstage. Vlad enters.)Carol, this is Vlad theImpaler. Vlad, Carol.

                                                            (End.)