Tales of a Third-Grade Nothing

When I wasin third grade, the “Are you a virgin?” question was incredibly popular amongthe cool kids. (Two quick side notes: 1) I went to a private school with nomore than 30 people in a grade, “cool” is incredibly relative. 2) From what Ihear, this question still makes the rounds in elementary school. Based on whatI see on “Dateline: Undercover at Spring Break,” I would have thought there’dbe far more scintillating inquiries in schools these days.)            

This isbasically how it went:           

“Hey, X!” Giggle, giggle, giggle.         

“Yeah?”            

“So,”giggle, giggle, giggle, “Are you a virgin?” (You have to imagine that last partas VER-jin in Southern tween.)           

If X said“no,” lots more giggling and mockery ensued. If X said “yes,” it was time tomove onto the next target. (In third grade, unlike eleventh grade, you got mademore fun of for saying that you weren’t a virgin rather than for saying thatyou were.)            

I have noidea why this game was popular—other than the fact that “virgin” counts as anaughty word when you’re nine—but I do know the worst answer of all was torespond with, “I don’t know, what’s a virgin?” Because, of course, if youdidn’t know what a virgin was, you were soooo immature and unworldly.  I was askedthe question in the hallway outside the class room one day before lunch.           

“HeyLaurel, are you a virgin?”           

“Ofcourse,” I said in one of my rare moments of confidence, “I’m only in the thirdgrade. I’ve never been married.”           

(I’d askedmy mom what a virgin was. She told me it was someone who had never beenmarried. I admit that it was a good answer on her part. It just never wouldhave stood up to the scrutiny and torment of intent pre-teen girls.)            

The teacher made us stop talking togo to lunch at that point—something I’m forever grateful for. Somehow in aterrain with three expected answers—two of which were sure to bring scorn, I’dmanaged to find the unchartered territory of a fourth answer. And I’m prettysure that having the wrong idea about what a virgin is would be far worse thanhaving no definition at all.            

It was justone of many, many times to come that I’d welcome the distraction of an upcomingmeal.  Red Mountain Law is happy to report that after nearly three years inbusiness, we are now stronger and more committed than ever to being the legalsolution for small businesses