I Hope it Isn't Me
I used to blame myself a lot. If a friend was in a bad mood, I had upset them or made them mad with something I'd said. If a teacher was short-tempered, I should have taken more time on my homework or studied harder for the last test. If a boyfriend was quite and withdrawn, I must have been too clingy, needy or annoying.
Sometime during my teen years, I realized that this attitude of self-blame was really quite self-involved. As fabulous as I might be, I'm not actually the centerpiece of anyone's life but my own. No one else spends hours going over what I said or should have said, evaluating my outfits or pondering how much my weight has fluctuated since college.
And it was quite freeing to realize that 1) no one was as obsessed with me as I was and 2) if anything, everyone else probably spends as much time on their own behavior and appearances as I do on mine. (Translation: Most people are way too busy thinking about themselves to take any note of what anyone else is up to.)
My epiphany helped me be less self-conscious (and stop thinking I was responsible for everyone else's bad moods), but I can still play the blame game pretty well.
If I was a better writer, I'd have a published book by now. A better housekeeper? You'd never see a single bug. I should respond to e-mails faster, write more thank you notes, cook healthier meals, and on and on and on.
Due to the state of my chosen career path (publishing), it's easier than ever to get on this track with my employment history. One company had no more room for me, another went belly-up two weeks after I resigned, and I was let go from the now-defunct Lipstick in February. The what-ifs and possibilities for self-blame seem endless.
Luckily, I have incredibly supportive friends and family who are pretty good at helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can also recognize that my narcissism sneaks in a bit here, too -- I am not responsible for an entire company, economic trend or the recession. (You can see my issues with control at play here, too -- i.e., the illusion I have much of it.)
With that being said, and on a seemingly unrelated note -- wait for it, I did manage to make my way to the pages of Skirt! this July (photo and story can be found at the link). Yay, right? (I was pumped because the story was about Tina Harris and all the awesome things she does as the editor of PMS, a literary journal I read for and adore.)
Then I heard the news on Friday that Skirt!'s future is up in the air. And I can't help but think, is it me? Have I become a jinx for media outlets I don't even work for?
I'm fairly positive the answer is "no." (But I do still worry.) Then again, even Johnny Depp was considered box office poison for many years. You never know when things could turn around -- or when you're ripe for a comeback.