Not Something I Recommend

Trippin' When Iwas still working for Lipstick, my former co-workers and I decided to do “research”on an upcoming profile story we were publishing about Southern Magic, the localchapter of the Romance Writers of America. (Sidenote: these ladies are awesome!I think about joining their group all the time, but I’m too intimidated.) Inthe name of “research,” we walked down to the Birmingham Public Library to seewhat romance books were around. (Hey, we were thorough journalists, after all.)

And that’s the short version of how I ended up in thepossession of what might be the worst book I’ve ever read. (Which was not written by a Southern Magic writer, by the way.) I warn you now.From here on out, there will be lots of spoilers, and this post will not beappropriate for those below a certain age.

What itall comes down to is that I should have known any book mentioning an “ass-toe”in the first 100 hundred words wasn’t going to be any good, but it was a trainwreck that I couldn’t turn away from.

Trippin’tells the story of seven Kansas City denizens: Madetra, Kaylantra, Darryn, Finesse, Destanie (please not thealternate spelling), E’An and Gerald St. John. At first I thought, “Who thehell thought of these names?” and “E’An?!?!” but then I got to page two and theass-toe, and I had bigger questions on my mind.

Madetra is a psychiatrist with a once-passionate,now-floundering marriage to Darryn, her college sweetheart. E’An is a fellowpsychiatrist in Madetra’s office who regularly refers to her as “Dr. KillerBody.” (According to the discussion questions in the back of the book, because,yes, Trippin’ COMES WITH DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, E’An’s treatment of Madetra ismeant to provide some insight about workplace sexual harassment. I can onlyassume that Trippin’ is to the issue of sexual harassment as Paris Hilton is tothe Protestant work ethic.) Kaylantra is Madetra’s identical twin sister, butwhile her sister pursued medicine, Kaylantra took the path of stripping andInternet porn. Finesse is a local news anchor who used to date Destanie, hisproducer with a history of stalking exes, but now they’re apart. And, last butcertainly not least, is Gerald St. John, Madetra’s massage therapist who makesextra money by giving female clients happy endings and selling drugs. (Ofcourse, Madetra does not receive happy endings because she honors her marriagevows, and Gerald is in love with her, so he wants Mad for more than just anhour’s joyride + tip.)

How thesecharacters know each other is explained, but it’s a sucky explanation, so let’sjust go with the idea that a woman would spend time outside of the office withthe man who sexually harasses her while a cocky news anchor and his certifiablyinsane ex would do that same. Long story short, these seven form a travel clubcalled Destination Anticipation Travel Club, or DAT Club for short (as ismentioned throughout the book to the point of absurdity) and proceed to visit Minneapolis, Lake Tahoe, Hedonism III in Jamaica and Las Vegas over the next year.

Kaylantraand Finesse quickly become an item. But, even though Kay is really falling forFinesse, she doesn’t stop sleeping with her boss Eddie in exchange for $100 andher job at the strip club (she’s been fired by all the other strip clubs forher bad attitude.) She also still sees her mystery customer, who comes in everyThursday and pays Kay $1000 for a naughty lap dance with one catch — she has towear a blindfold the entire time. So, even though Kay has been sleeping withthis man for a year, she’s never seen his face. (Remember this because it’sgoing to be important later.)

Destaniecontinues to go off the deep end once Finesse finds another girlfriend, so shetakes to leaving him some incredibly disturbing voice mails. I’d say more, butit would make this post X-rated. Let’s just say that I almost wished I wasilliterate having to read that part of the book. I didn’t learn the Englishlanguage to have to know things like that.

Madetraand Darryn just can’t seem to get their relationship back on track. Madetra isconfused by her husband’s disinterest, but it probably has to do with herhusband’s growing crack problem. His need to feed his addiction causes him tomug and murder a stranger for money and turn to male prostitution. (Darryn isalso the one with the ass-toe. It seems he needed some reconstructive toesurgery after a frostbite incident in college. Whenever his ass-toe itches,Darryn is either going to have great sex or be in trouble. And I know what you’rethinking because I was thinking it, too: Keeper!) If it weren’t for Madetra’saffair with Gerald, I’m sure she’d be lost. (Oh, I should also mention thatGerald is the one supplying drugs to Madetra’s husband because he wants Hubbyout of the way so he can have Madetra.)

E’An justcontinues to be E’An, and this mainly entails making inappropriate comments toMadetra whenever they’re in the same scene.

Anyways,about halfway through the book, we end up with not one, but two, instances ofblackmail. E’An has photographic evidence of Madetra’s affair with Gerald, sohe threatens to tell her husband unless she starts sleeping with him.Humiliation sex ensues.

Meanwhile,Destanie has photographic proof that Kaylantra is not faithful to Fineese, andwill expose her to her newly-live-in boyfriend if Kaylantra refuses to be asurrogate for her baby. (Back in the day, Finesse made Destanie get anabortion. She is now sterile, and in addition to wanting a child, she thinksKaylantra and Finesse will break up once Kaylantra is pregnant because she’llbe fat. No joke. She verbalizes this logic. Also, as per the discussionquestions, “The issue of surrogacy is an important one in the novel. If youwere asked to carry a child for someone else, would you do it?”) The doublewhammy is that Destanie has photos of Kaylantra with her mystery customer whoturns out to be …. Drum roll please … her brother-in-law Darryn. 

Shockedand appalled, Kaylantra agrees to be Destanie’s surrogate. Only, once she’spregnant, she learns that she’s actually carrying Finesse’s baby. (You see,early in the book, Finesse and Destanie have some ex sex, and she throws himout of her house because she has to get to “the bank.” Finesse tells her not toworry about the ATM. But, Destanie wasn’t talking about a financial bank. She’soff to the sperm bank with the condom that Finesse used that night. Check andmate!)

Kaylantracan’t hand over her and Finesse’s baby to crazy Destanie, so she decides totell Finesse about the blackmail (leaving out the stuff about sexing up herbrother-in-law, of course.) Finesse becomes enraged, and takes off withKaylantra in the car to confront Destanie.

Only hedrives too fast.

The carflips and Kaylantra, Finesse and their unborn baby are killed. Arriving at thescene of the accident, Madetra is horrified to find that her sister is dead.Then, as if by some divine hand by the name of too many absurd plot twists, sheis handed the only thing that survived the crash (bodies and car included) —photos of her husband knocking boots with her sister.

So,somewhere between her husband’s downward spiral, degradation sex with acolleague, her sister’s death and having to remember how to spell the names ofall the members of DAT Club, Madetra has a homicidal break. Her only goalthroughout the rest of the book is to sex the remaining members of DAT Club todeath. “Mad is mad,” as the books says. (Both her nickname and an emotion! Bothcrazy and angry! Oh the double entendre!)

Shepoisons Darryn and E’An with dioxin (she is a doctor after all), so that theyhave heart attacks mid-coitus. Then, after a bout of switched-teams sex withDestanie, she shoots up pure, uncut cocaine into Destanie’s bathing suit area. (Ifyou saw that one coming, I think you should drive to the nearest psychiatricfacility immediately.)

Her finalcoup de grace, and proof that not a single police officer in Kansas City ispaying attention to the amazingly-similar deaths in town of people who ALL KNEWEACH OTHER FOR YEARS, is to get rid of Gerald.

WhenMadetra arrives at Gerald’s home, he is happy to see her because the fact thatthey’re the only two surviving members of DAT Club means that they must be soul mates.

Here’s how it would go if I was part of a group thathad only two surviving members:

Other Living Soul: Can you believe we’re the only twoleft?!?!

Me: Silence – because I’m running as far away from you asI can get.

If I was in a club where everyone had been killedexcept for me and one other person, you can bet like hell I’d be staying awayfrom that other person. I know I’m not the murderer. Odds that the only othersurviving club member is also not a murderer? Not good.  

So, inher last act of sex death, Madetra eats a peanut butter sandwich (to whichGerald is severely allergic), covers the smell on her breath with cinnamonAltoids and tongue lashes Gerald until he goes into anaphylactic shock anddies.  

"ForMadetra, it was finally over.”

I onlywish that it could be over for me. Since reading this book, I feel like I havebeen Trippin’ is the worst possible sense.


             

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