Chapter 1
“Outof my way jackass,” Ava called as she honked and passed a silver Audi. Shesailed through the intersection just as the light turned red.
“Your rudegesture doesn’t scare me either.” Ava said. She could see the Audi’s iratedriver flipping her off in her rear view mirror. “Learn to drive and we’lltalk,” she screamed. Then she took a quick look at her passenger side window tomake sure that it wasn’t cracked open.
Five minuteslater, Ava pulled into the parking lot outside of her office building. 8:58a.m. If she sprinted up the stairs, she should have time to grab a cold DietCoke before joining the rest of the staff in the conference room for Monday’splanning meeting.
If she didn’trush up the stairs, she’d have to skip the Diet Coke or endure Harriet’sinterrogation as a punishment for tardiness. Harriet was a big fan ofpunctuality, and since Harriet lacked both an understanding of appropriate eyecontact and a sense of humor, these grillings were the bane of Ava’s existence.
“How would youromance a new lover, Ava?”
“What do youthink women most want to know about the cervix?”
“Is douchingreally a generational issue?”
As the featureseditor for the regional women’s magazine, Gloss, Ava’s working liferevolved around women’s issues. Only, when she’d taken the job, she hoped formore women’s political causes, business advice and health concerns. What she’dgotten was terrible puns on that time of the month, too many headlinescontaining the word “diva” and many, many manuscripts on potty training.
And Harriet.
“Nice of you tojoin us, Ava,” Harriet said. She stood at the helm of the large conferencetable, a cup of herbal tea in hand. “Rolling out of bed at the last minuteagain?” Now Ava was stuck with Harriet’s attention and without a Diet Coke.
“Sorry,” Avasaid, “traffic was a nightmare.”
“Well, as thelast arrival, why don’t you jump start the meeting. Let’s have an Ava-ledaffirmation everyone.” Harriet kept her bleached hair in a bob that went justbelow her chin. Her skin was ivory and she often wore tapered pants, flats anda knit turtleneck with a silk scarf draped over one shoulder for some color.
As Ava reachedout to grab the hands of the co-workers to her right and left, she spottedLibby rolling her eyes across the room and stifled a laugh. “I want this weekto be a positive one,” Ava said as she began the patented Harriet-enforcedaffirmations. “I strive to be the best features editor I can be. I will help mybrothers and sisters as we work and live together.” Then she squeezed the handof Steve on her right, signaling that it was his turn to add some work orpersonal goal to the group discussion.
Ava couldn’tremember if Harriet had picked up this predisposition towards affirmations andanything that sounded like a Successory during her time at the ashram in Indiaor on one of her “spiritual retreats” somewhere in Californiawine country. Regardless, she wasn’t a fan.
Once everyone inthe room had contributed to the circle of trust, Harriet resumed the meeting.
“Wonderful,” shesaid. “Now what do we all think about the placenta this morning?”
An hour later,the meeting was over, and Ava tried her hardest to be the first one out of theconference room, as per usual.
“Oh, Ava,”Harriet said, calling her back into the room. “Since you were so relaxed aboutyour arrival time this morning, I assume you’re not very stressed about thathousekeeping story you’ve been working on.”
“No, no, notstressed at all,” Ava said. “It’s coming right along.”
“Wonderful. I’dlike to see it in my inbox within the hour.”
“Of course,Harriet.”
Ava picked up herstep and dashed down the hall to her office. The more time she spent in thehallway, the more time she had for Harriet to ask questions or for Bill the ITguy to corner her and ask for advice on his on and off girlfriend of eightyears.
“You know,Bill” she’d told him once. “Just because I write about dating doesn’t mean Iknow how to do it.”
“But she keepstelling me she loves me, but isn’t in love with me,” he’d drone on. “Do youthink she’s only in it for the sex?”
“Again, Bill, inmy case, those who can’t do, write.”
Once she was tuckedbehind her desk, Ava switched on her monitor and stared at the half-finishedstory she’d been working on for a week.
SpringCleaning for the Sassy
Ava groaned ather own creation. She also died a little on the inside knowing how much Harrietwould love this title.
It's the time of year to throw open the windows and sweep beneath the rugs.Gloss brings you seven ways to instantly feel like you've conquered the messand dirt in your home.
1. Holiday Hangover
Holidaystress is tough, and we all have our excuses for not getting all of our choresdone. However, if it's time for spring cleaning and you have the remainingvestige of any holiday other than Easter in your home, it's time for it to go.There should be no jack-o-lanterns, pilgrims, Christmas trees, Valentine'shearts or St. Patty's clovers evident in your home once it's April.
2. Paper Pandemonium
From junk mail to the reminders you write yourself about picking up the drycleaning or buying more milk, your house is probably a refuge for lost papersand publications. As you're spring cleaning, it's time to toss the oldmagazines, newspapers, catalogs, circulars and assorted scraps that amass onthe counters and tabletops of your home. We promise you won't miss yourNovember copies of "People" magazine come July.
3. Pantry Peace
Surely you're all too familiar with the adage that if you haven't worn anarticle of clothing in a year, then it's time to toss it. The same is true ofyour pantry. Old foodstuffs are only taking up valuable space in yourcupboards. Combine dry pastas and rice if you have too many half-empty boxesand bags, and feel free to toss food gifts you know you'll never consume. Ifyou didn't like fruit cake this past Christmas, you're probably never going toenjoy it.
4. A Rank Refrigerator
It's always a good idea to periodically check the fridge for old take-out orspoiled milk, but when you're spring cleaning, take special time to cleanunderneath and behind your refrigerator. Cleaning the coils behind yourrefrigerator actually saves energy and shaves dollars off your monthlyutilities. And those of us who tend to snack standing up might see how crumbsand other bits of food could find themselves underneath the fridge, growing androtting one day at a time …
It wasn’t thatAva couldn’t finish the story. It’s just that she didn’t really want to. Everysince she’d written “Cat Scratch Fever: Furry felines sure to bring fun to yourlife,” her will to live had been dwindling by the day. But the awkward eyecontact and after-work meeting that would come along with not meeting a Harrietdeadline were hardly worth this kind of pain.
She began totype:
5. Range Residue
Ah, the rule of journalism noone taught her in school: when all else fails, turn to alliteration.
Have you ever started cooking dinner only to realize that some of the odorscoming from your kitchen have nothing to do with what's on the evening's menu?Just as food can find its way underneath the fridge and cabinets, crumbs falldown into your burners as well. (Not to mention the sauce spills that happenthere.) Cleaning your oven and your range is an absolute necessity for a cleanand pleasant-smelling kitchen.
“I only wish youhad just rolled out of bed right before the meeting. Maybe that would havemeant someone was sharing yours.”
Ava looked up tosee Libby leaning against the doorjamb. “Other than Milothe wonder dog, no, there has been no one in my bed,” Ava said.
“A girl candream, can’t she?” Libby moved inside Ava’s office and shut the door.“Sometimes I think you don’t date just so you won’t have to hear Harriet askabout ‘your lover.’”
“Ha ha,” Avasaid, tossing a balled up sticky note in Libby’s direction. “I thought bestfriends were supposed to be supportive, not snarky.”
“Please,” Libbysaid, “like you could handle having a best friend who wasn’t at least half ascynical as you.” With her red hair and hazel eyes, Libby was a truly beautifulgirl. Today, she’d worn a green dress with patterned hose and heels. Ava was inher standard twin set and slacks. Whether they were in the office or at happyhour, Ava often thought of Libby as the Ginger to her Mary Anne. Only, in theirworld, the Professor always wanted Libby, too.
“True enough.”
“Hard at work orhardly working?” Libby said.
“The usual,” Avasaid. “Hardly working.”
“Hold on just asec.” Ava went back to typing.
6. Window Wipe-Downs
Let all the light of spring in by giving your windows the royal treatment.Clean them on the inside and the outside. Wipe down the sills. Get between theglass and the screen to clear out the cobwebs. Do it for summer's mosquitoesand houseflies – they want a clean place to die.
A moment later,she erased the last sentence. Harriet rarely appreciated the macabre.
“Still lettingyour existential crisis interfere with your ability to serve the women of Glossmagazine?” Libby said.
“Just a little,”Ava said. “Trust me, I wish I could be happy only writing about this stuff.Life would be a lot simpler.”
“One thing lifeisn’t is simple,” Libby said. “Plus, you’d find a way to make anythingcomplicated and meaningful and tortured. It’s just in your nature.”
“That’s whatmakes me a good writer,” Ava said.
“Yeah, yeah, Iknow that your deep thinking makes your writing better. I just don’t think ithelps you keep a boyfriend.”
“The rightboyfriend will like me for exactly who I am.”
“Yes,” Libbysaid, “but when who you are keeps you home on the weekends reading andresearching literary journals, it’s going to be really hard to meet thatperfect boyfriend. Unless he’s a delivery guy for Amazon.com and literallyknocks on your door, I don’t know how he’s going to find you.”
“Enough already,”Ava said. “Did you come in here only to harass me about my love life?”
“That and Iwanted to say how meaningful your Monday morning affirmation was to me.”
Ava glared.
“But seriously,I’ve got a favor to ask. There’s some woman who I made a coffee date with,something about divorced women, potential stories, blah, blah. Anyway, I said Icould meet her at lunch today, but this list of summer camp tips isn’t going towrite itself.
“Why me? Youknow I don’t like people.”
“Yeah, I know. Nopeople, no small talk, no Republicans ... But, if I know you, you’ll finishyour story for this week and the next by noon. I think you can tear yourselfaway from celebrity gossip and dreaming of better jobs for an hour or so. Someof us have to work for our ideas. For some of us, this is a struggle.”
Ava looked at hernearly complete housekeeping story and knew that “Color Your Mood: An in-depthlook at your wardrobe and how it affects your happiness and success” wouldn’ttake more than a couple of hours.
“Please.”
“Oh, Libby.”
“Pretty please.”
“Fine,” Ava said.“Send me the details, and I’ll take care of the meet and greet.”
“You’re thebest.”
“Yeah, yeah. Youowe me.”
“Agreed. Our nextbottle of wine is on me.”
Libby opened thedoor and left Ava’s office. “I don’t want you to have time to change yourmind,” she called from the hallway. “Thanks again.”
Ava went back toher computer screen.
7. Product Pile-up
Unfortunately, all of the elements and tools meant to keep our houses clean canactually cause too much clutter and mess themselves. Pare down to one mop andone broom. Get rid of cleaning supplies that only have a few drops left in thebottle and combine same cleaners if you have multiples. Also, unless you havean army of help, there's no need for bags and bags of rags when a few heartycloths will do.
Her 600 wordsfinished for the week, Ava looked over the story one last time, attached it inan e-mail to Harriet and hit send.